Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 2 – Our REAL Review
WARNING: If you have NOT seen the film, do not pass go, do NOT collect 200 dollars or a fake passport from J. Jenks. Proceed directly to a time depravation chamber or join an Amish communion till you are able to get to a movie theater near you.
I feel like Donna Summer’s Last Dance should be playing in the background of this post because well, this is it y’all. This is the last review we’ll write at 3AM after seeing a Twilight movie for the very first time. Sad trombone, yall. SAD.TROMBONE.
Now’s not the time for tears, save that for the credits. Now’s the time for our thoughts WITH SPOILERS on Breaking Dawn Pt. 2.
Top Moments in Breaking Dawn Part 2
1. Charlie and Sue ARE together after all our years of speculation. No need for Match.com
2. Jacob’s totally unnecessary yet totally welcome strip scene in front of Charlie. We think they just used his audition for Magic Mike (spoiler alert: he didn’t get cast)
3. Aro really needs to update his computer’s OS. All of this (the fighting, changing Bella, using up all their frequent flyer miles to fly all the witnesses to Forks) because he has a crush on Alice? Has he never heard of Skype? And Jasper needs to be worried right…? Aro has that hair.. and that accent… and that marching band uniform… and a bunch of crazy henchmen.
4. The Battle: aka TWI-MAGEDDON
Our hands still hurt from squeezing each other’s hands so hard they might fall off. The battle scene is the definition of on-the-edge-of-your-seat, scream-out-loud, hyperventilate and then pass out moment. I mean Carlisle’s head hitting the ground?! I don’t know about you but we screamed out WTF if happening?! It’s so well done that you don’t question it for one second and then when we snap back to Aro seeing it through Alice’s vision it’s simultaneously relief and outrage! But mostly relief! Thank God! We’re excited to see what everyone thinks about the Twi-mageddon twist. If Stephanie can change her mind & come up with that ending, we’re pretty sure the rest of the fandom could accept it.
5. Jackson’s non-laughable hair. FOR ONCE! Clearly, when they drew straws for who would get the worst wig in this movie Jackson won while Carlisle & baby Renessmee lost. Their hairlines moved up and down between scenes more than our heart rates during the Twi-magedon twist.
6. THANK YOU Bill Condon/Stephenie Meyer/Melissa Rosenberg for creating a non-gratituous, classy-enough, not-over-the-top, fanfic worthy sex scene. It was enough to set the scene while not making us want to crawl under our seats and die from embarrassment while people hoot and holler and yell about things being “unbroken.” No thank you though to the extreme close up of Rob’s hairy thigh.
7. We finally get to see Bella became fully realized. She is powerful– and doesn’t need a man (She drove to Seattle on her own. Big step guys) yet is the perfect counterpart to Edward (that flying kick/roll thing in the Twi-mageddon scene, anyone?!). This is our favorite Kristen performance since New Moon. She makes us laugh after she publicly humiliates Emmett by beating him in an arm wrestling match and then sells us an entirely believable performance as mother and daughter with Renesmee. Truly, theirs was one of the most believable relationships in the films. So yes, she’s a fierce, bad-ass who’s better than all of us. There, are you happy Krisbians? Now please leave us alone. Forever.
8. Chris Hansen will be disappointed. Somehow the Jacob-Renesmee stuff doesn’t seem creepy, at all. Taylor walked the line carefully and it never went into the WEIRD territory it could have. Besides how can you be creeped out by Taylor, who is like the definition of the boy next door. Also, MacKensie Foy was downright adorable with the CGI wolf. Snaps to everyone here.
9. Lee Pace and Michael Sheen for Presidents of everything. Those two killed EVERY scene. They can deliver ONE line with just the perfect intonation or stress on one word and have us rolling or clapping or panting. Are we SURE Lee Pace is gay?
10. Allistair- what was his deal? Dude, if you’re such a bore stay home in England or wherever you came from and stop being such a negative Nancy. Shit is getting real here and you’re busy lurking around on tree branches or hanging out in the attic by yourself like a weirdo. Either go home or put on your big boy vampire pants and “let’s do this!”
11 .Carlisle was the first to bite the dust (and we were NOT surprised). As much as we love Daddy-C, it just seemed right that he’d go first. NOT THAT IT DIDN’T KILL US and not that we totally didn’t screamed and shout WTF IS GOING ON!?!?!?! But ya know, it had to happen. Also, who has the stunt double/prosthetic Carlisle/Peter Facinelli head now that filming is over? Ebay auction anyone?
12. Alice’s hair looked great. She was wearing less fur, less gloves and less dumb shit. Always a plus.
13. But the music- We talked about it on Monday but it’s still true. TURN IT DOWN! Sometimes you just need an aural break not 2.5 hours of score and music and battle scenes. Give our ears a break PLEASE. Someone please go to Carter Burwell’s house and break every electric guitar and electric bass he owns. PLEASE! Our favorite score is still New Moon, no one else brought it like Desplat did. Also, we still want to know what happened with the Howard Shore, Eclipse score. What a tragedy. Sorry Carter Burwell, we just weren’t feeling this.
Now that we’re at the end, we’re left wondering: WHAT IS NEXT? While discussing this post we came up with all our ideas for what could possibly follow Breaking Dawn Pt 2. We have wild imaginations y’all and we really just can’t say goodbye so here’s what we’re thinking…
– Don’t make us read fanfic to find out if Aro ever signs up for a Google + account so he can have a virtual Hangout with Alice and stop dragging every vampire in the world into an unnecessary Vampire Battle to the Death. He should “Indecent Proposal” Alice for a few gabillions, offer Jasper a weekend of all the humans he can eat and see if he can make it happen, FINALLY. Aro: totally DTF.
– Will Nahuel have a “Best Abs Throw Down” with Jacob for Renessmee’s heart? Who will win? Will Jacob rip off Nahuel’s loin clothe in the battle? PLEASE!
– Does Leah ever stop being a raging biotch? Does one of the other wolves take one for the team just so she’ll shut up for a while?
– Will Rosalie ever find her go-to shade of blonde on the Loreal color scale? Will she and Alice ever be able to make her brows match?
– Does Mike Newton inherit Newton’s Outfitters from his folks & can it compete against Sports Chalet during these down economic times?
– How quickly will Sue move in with Charlie? Will Seth move into Bella’s old purple room? And more importantly: WILL SUE PAINT THE CABINETS THEIR RIGHTFUL COLOR: YELLOW!?
– Can we watch Lee Pace & the girl who plays Kate get it on? No? Is Kate able to turn off that electricity shocking thing she does, or is Garrett into that sorta thing?
– Will Jasper challenge Aro to a dual over Alice? Will they walk 20 paces and then turn and shot each other with old-timey pistols?
– Do Carlisle & Esme ever choose their grandparent names? Is it Papa or Nana or do they prefer CC & Grandma E?
– Does Bella pull out that blue blouse & khaki skit when she wants to “slip into something more comfortable” for Edward? And Does Edward still rock the white sleeveless top to turn Bella on? Will they pull out the matching oatmeal sweaters for this year’s Cullen Family Christmas card with Renesmee?
– Is Bella and Edward’s safe word “The Meadow?”
Ok, so here we are, the end of our last review of a Twilight movie. STEPHENIE, YOU BETTER WRITE MORE. WE HAVE QUESTIONS THAT NEED ANSWERS. So don’t make us read FanFic, we want the REAL answers to what happens after Breaking Dawn and we want them FROM YOU. Not our imaginations. If you’re game, Stephenie, we have this secluded spot (my dirty, full of clothes, walk-in closet) with an electrical outlet, a computer, a desk chair and a janky, full size Jumping Rob peeking out from behind my jackets, all set up and ready if you ever want to step in, disappear for a little while, and head back to the meadow.
Also, we won’t tell you all that we may have been discussing this post and what we’d say and perhaps got a little misty. We were also in public, eating a salad. Crying. Freakin’ Twilight.
Is that really it??
Moon & UC
PS So, that baby?! Weeeeellll… that’s a whole other letter.
SOoooooooo what did you think?! Did you jump out of your seat during the Twi-mageddon?!