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Jacob & Bella: It's On

Dear Twihards,

I know that when you saw this picture today you said, “oh UC & Moon have got to Break that Down Vanity Fair style.” Duh. Of course we did.  And welcome Kristin, our fab forum mod & viagra spammer killer to today’s Breaking it down:


Moon: OH. MY. GOD
: what!? is this your first time seeing this picture?
: this pic!! no AGAIN. it’s my second time. It’s like almost a little much
: it was my first time.
: VIRGIN- Relax! Breathe! Do what feels right, Kristin

Kristin: well he looks pissed
: Well, he has a hard on
: and she looks half dead
: and he can’t do ANYTHING about it. And in her defense…. she is half dead…
: and he totally has blue balls.
: Omg- I’m just staring
: he’s like. “damnit Bella, I wanted to have to rip your shirt off and administer CPR!”
: like how’d they make a near drowning SEXY?

UC: I e-mailed The Quad earlier today and said this, “Can we speculate what’s going on during this image? cuz I don’t believe the book described a scene quite this sexy when Jake saves Bells, so what do we think? Took a lil’ shower together? Jacob is too tall to scrub his feet so Bella helped him out?’ Cuz it def seems a little more ‘sexytime in the shower’ than ‘i just saved your life from a vampire standing over you while you were drowning in the cold water’
: EastFriend responded “He had his 1st wet dream about her, forcing him to take a cold shower. Bella stepped in to wash his back.
They were getting their Gene Kelly on. Just singin’ & dancin’ in the rain. Then Bella slipped & fell, of course, so Jake had to rescue her. It was a poignant moment, hence the serious expressions on their faces.
See? I can be dirty & clean! It’s a gift. Seeing both the sexy & pure sides of the same situation. ”

Kristin: Bella looks kind of “whaa just happened”- very damsel in distress. Makes me want to punch her. just a little.
: DO THAT NOW. DO HIM. Edward left your ass. DO IT
: dude bella & Edward are on WAY more than “a break”
: she can blame it on the “near death experience” !
: he has to forgive you
: I always have sex after I almost die.
: oh ‘oops he saved me and his tongue ended up in my mouth. ‘ OOPS. All i can imagine is a drops of water coming off his hair and hitting her
: her ears look big
: such a hot visual
: so do his muscles
: his nose looks big- look at his MOOBS

Kristen gets real honest after the jump

Kristin: can I be honest?
: although… i’ll be honest… you know i’ve been feeling Tay these days.. but he looks baby face here
: i think I might…just a leetle…be hot for him
: umm hi. we are too
: yes he looks young!
: i know you are too- and I resisted. But now. with this pic. I kind of want to “rough him up behind the dumpster”
: WHOOA!!!! confession! PERV ALERT! haha jk
: my new motto: LEGAL IN GEORGIA (no longer “he’s only 17”) Chris Hanson so has our addresses right now
: yeah. I’m what, only 8,9 years older. hardly cougar territory
: not at all! thats like older mentor territory!
: big brother/big sister!
: show him the ways… teach him about a woman
: and that vein in his neck..I kind of want to lick it….yes in a mentor sort of way. I could teach him things….
: you went down to the the activity center- just to be a big sister, but instead… well…. “Legal in GA”
: we could teach him things while licking that neck vein
: just a little lick from the mentor. Edward would love that neck vein

Moon: i’ve NEVER been into muscle-y dudes but this is hot
: right. i love the dorks. big time, but dang. Tay’s got it going on
: i like skinny nerdy boys
: i like them lanky and dorky…and especially if they walk funny.
: like if one legs shorter than the rest
: and can’t button their shirts correctly

UC: okay but let’s discuss the SCENE….  first of all.. it’s a shitty photoshop job…. look at his armpit… they sliced it up
: his arm isnt that small
: haha, I would also like to talk about why they are kind of in the forest.
: well, that’s the bad PhotoShop job
: like far in the forest. not how I pictured it
: they were clearly at the beach. and then they just ‘shopped them out. and put them in the forest, but forgot part of his armpit along the way.
: Or it would be indecent to have post drowning sex on the beach in la push??
: That’s true. Quil would see. with that little girl he imprinted on.
: Quil and Claire- building a sandcastle behind them while Bella gets penetrated
: look at you- pulling “Claire” out from nowhere! you win dorky fan of the day award!

UC: but what i REALLY want to discuss is… i mean.. really? the scene is this sexual?
: nah but they had to up it
: Do you think Steph is rolling over in her grave err comfy water bed? I mean, I like it. It needs this- I’m all for pg-13 sexual stuff
: I wonder if the whole movie they have those awkward close moments where they MIGHT kiss and then don’t- like a disney movie.
: like in high school musical you mean?
: YES. Exactly.
: seriously.. pisses me off that they don’t kiss. I’m like… dang it… i’m watching a kid’s movie with my 6 yedar old niece.. KISS HER GAYFRON
: GOD NM is gonna leave everyone all frustrated

UC: We should commission FanFic based on this pic
: we should totally. It could start with a twitching in his pants watching her take gulping breaths and her chest heaving…ahem.
: and the drop of water rolls down her chest… and he watches it
: and brushes her hair to the side…
: and then Claire yells “Big Brother Quil- what are they doing!?” and screams, running away.. crying. And Quil thinks “Someday.. you and I will too, my little Claire bear” Then we all get creeped out…cuz imprinting is weird
: Steph wrote it. i didn’t
: chris [hansen]!! I’m calling him myself
: send him over- I will send him DIRECTLY to steph meyers house

Kristin: I think that the stills were hard to get because he kept humping her- “Jacob, please hold still…and stop whimpering”
: this should be a gif- a couple of HS kids dry humping on the beach/forest
: a humping gif
: with a little girl screaming in the background- not understanding. Poor Claire
Moon: and a wolf running by- Go home Claire- we’ll bake you cookies
: poor little Claire! Lets go home and make smiley face pancakes
: shes the real loser in this whole picture scenario

UnintendedChoice, theMoonisDown and Kristin, the viagra spammer killer

Well, what do you think? Hot? Not? Does it fit the book the way Steph wrote it?

Comment here then Discuss more in The Forum
And watch it! Moon & UC go head-to-head in a Rob Photo Face-off on LTR

  • Bellasnemisis

    I’m old enough to be his mother, I’m old enough to be his mother, I’m old enough to be his mother.
    It’s not working. DAMNIT!

    • Legal in Georgia

      • Freya

        Actually, he’s legal in all but 11 states. And Chris Hansen is coming after ME for looking up age of consent tables online…

        • sassysmart

          I did that yesterday and technically he was legal LAST year in Georgia.

          • Hermes

            sic sic women.!
            He’s just a baby (drool).

            ok, count me in.. only legal in 11 states (pouts).

        • *thinks to self*
          Remember: He’s only 17. He’s only 17. He’s only 17…

          • He’s legal in Norway too. But I don’t care, I want me some ROB. Just thought I should let you know, in case you were ever considering moving here. With him. LOL

        • Krystle

          yeah – I definitely looked up age of consents awhile ago. Because I know it’s different state to state – Step off Chris Hansen!

  • Oh my Lord!
    This is f*cking hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    You guys, A+!
    I still can’t believe you say half the things you say . . . but I love it 🙂

    Jayde xox

    • I can’t believe it either. but someone has to say it.. everyone’s thinking it…

      • Kristin

        AMEN! You are just giving the people what they want! lol

  • FullyAlive

    Of course this doesn’t follow the book, but me likey! I think we needed a little bit of this in the movie to explain their obvious attraction without using 237 1/2 pages to do it.

    Gratuitous shirtless Jacob is fine with me.

  • superhumanmoron

    Thanks for once again making me have inappropiate thoughts about a minor. No, really. Thanks!! 🙂

  • JodieO

    Jeeze louise. Hasn’t this kid been 17 forever already? Age, dammit! AGE!

    • 17 forever you say……. reminds me of someone….

      • JodieO

        HAHA! I didn’ t even mean to make a funny…

  • “Kristin: I wonder if the whole movie they have those awkward close moments where they MIGHT kiss and then don’t- like a disney movie.
    UC: like in high school musical you mean?”

    I can definitely see them taunting us throughout NM with awkward-almost-kiss moments. You ladies are hilarious once again!!

  • Char

    Kristen, you took the words right out of my mouth. NO seriously, I said that exact same thing yesterday to my sister. It’s going to be like a disney movie..OH so close to kissing and then something happens and they snap out of the kissing trance.

    How can you step out of a trance with a half naked sexy dripping went “almost man” on top of you. Screw the interruption DO IT!

    • Char

      I meant to say WET not went

  • sassysmart

    “Kristin: Bella looks kind of “whaa just happened”- very damsel in distress. Makes me want to punch her. just a little.”

    LMAO!!! She brings out the violent side in most of us!

    Great breakdown ladies!!


  • achc

    “Quil and Claire- building a sandcastle behind them while Bella gets penetrated”

    “And Quil thinks “Someday.. you and I will too, my little Claire bear” ”

    A (fucking) + !!!!!!!

  • allryans

    Hmmmm … I’m not feeling the Taycob love. He’s a cutie pie, sure. But I want to fix him up with my kids’ babysitter or something, not do him.

    However, LOTS of laughs on this pic today.

    “Well, he’s got a hard on.”

    “Moon: Quil and Claire- building a sandcastle behind them while Bella gets penetrated
    UC: look at you- pulling “Claire” out from nowhere! you win dorky fan of the day award!” LOL!


    However, I’m kind of pissed. Why the hell do they have to up the PG-13ness when it’s Jacob instead of Edward? How come we can’t get “I may not be human, but I am a man” in Twilight, but now in New Moon, good ol Cougarrific Mel-Mel will have inserted all kinds of Jacob schmexy lines in there. “It’s just blood, Bella.” *cue gratuitous nudity* Not.Fair. *stomps feet*

    We better see some hot and bothered Edward. I’ve had it with this naked Jacob stuff when the most we got out of Nakedward was sweaty, happy trail “this is what I am” AWKWard.

    • you’re right.. they better BRING IT for eclipse/Bdawn..

      but can you imagine ROB like this? no way! he’s way too awkward to be doing steamy romance novel covers!

    • sft

      Oh I agree. This is the first time I’ve seen this NM still and I can’t help but think even more that Jacob looks like a man child. It’s like the body that grown men would dream of having plus the cute babyface and voice of a 13 year old. I mean I appreciate his attractiveness but he’s no Edward. NM better not be all tender moments and almost-kisses between Bella and Jacob… if it is, all I can say is that the Italy reunion scene better BE GOOD.

      • sft

        holy mackerel.. I didn’t know that this pic was from the NM calendar. I would be totally uncomfortable having that up for a whole month on my wall.

    • HeyyyBrother

      It’s almost not even worth me commenting on today’s post because you took the words right out of my mouth (fav quotes from the post included)!

      Seriously though, I can see why people find Taylor/Jacob sexy – the buffness, that beautiful skin tone, etc. But he’s just a little too pretty for me. And VERY baby-faced. I usually crush on slightly older dudes (which is why my Rob crush is strange to me since he’s 2 yrs younger… but he LOOKS older!), with a bit of scruff to them.

      So I’ll leave you all to your Taylor droolings… Hopefully you’ll all be too busy chasing after him, leaving me more opportunities with Rob 😉

      • allryans

        I feel ya. My hubs is all Native American-esque dark skin and hair, but at least his chest is hairy like it should be and his face is lean and rugged. That young look does not do it for me. Taylor is going to be the new incarnation of Leonardo diCaprio … never-looks-quite-his-age-teen-heartthrob-who-looks-like-death-15-years-later-cause-baby-face-doesn’t-age-into-hotness. Whilst Rob is going to be making panties moist well into his 60s (Clooney, Pitt, et al). *sigh*

    • tinkrbe1l3

      YOU SNATCH THE WORDS RIGHT OUTTA MY BRAIN!!! This pic annoys me and any other pic with Bella and Jacob from NM. Don’t get me wrong..I’m not stupid. I know Jacob has a hot bod but THAT’S IT…for me. his voice annoys me and he’s a baby boy. If this Bella Jacob stuff in NM is a 10 she and Edward better be a 50. Don’t get it twisted Twilight Saga Movie Makers…Bella was hot for Edward in ways Jacob can’t even comprehend. I’m sad…I’ll be really depressed if the Bella Jacob chemistry overshadows Edward. And I will blame Summit.

      • allryans

        You’re right! Bella was all UP on some sparklepeen … and was NEVER seriously contemplating the furpeen. Sure, she wanted the companionship of Jacob, but she didn’t want to get in his pants. That was all for Edward. If it even looks like actual SEXUAL tension in New Moon, I will be totally vomiting.

        • tinkrbe1l3


        • sft

          “If it even looks like actual SEXUAL tension in New Moon, I will be totally vomiting.”

          I really hope they didn’t shoot the movie with intent on the Jacob Bella “love” thing. If it is it’s because Summit wanted to bank on giving all the Team Jacob girls something to look forward to even though that’s not what the book inferred.

        • HeyyyBrother

          HAHAHAHA “furpeen” — that is WIN. I’m sorry, but if I had the chance to go for something called furpeen, I’m pretty sure I’d pass as well… Sparklepeen sounds way more fun… and… prettier?

      • alvida

        i agree but somehow i’m thinking this is a pic from the scene where jacob saves bella after she jumps off the cliff. i’m just waiting to see how taylor will perform since i think a huge amount of people are eager to see if he can do justice to jacob. it’s not only about carrying off the buffness

    • tinkrbe1l3

      ya know…this Break It Down has only got me pissed at Hardwicke again…she completely lost Bella and Edward in all her f*ckery and now Weitz has done what he’s suppose to do with NM but it makes the Bella Jacob relationship seem stronger…at least that’s what my fear is from the stills and clips. Here’s an example: 1) In the NM clip where Bella falls off the bike, Jacob gives her his shirt and stands over her with his sexy chest. She says he’s beautiful. It was a well delivered line but made me mad because she never says this about Edward in Twilight even tho we know how beautiful she thinks HE is. But…someone pointed this out to me…she does. 2) When Edward shows her what he looks like in the sunlight (a mess, Thanks again Hardwicke) she says he’s beautiful. Why did I forget that? BECAUSE IT WAS FORGETTABLE! It was delivered unconvincingly and Bella never talks about her attraction towards Edward again! GAAAAHHHH!!!! Just as NM is an ode to Jacob, Twilight was Edwards ode. Edward was ROBBED! (no pun intended) I agree with UC…they better make up for that in Eclipse and BD…it better be The Robward Show 100 times over. Can you tell I’m unwaveringly Team Edward? lol

      • Pinky

        Yeah…Hardwick screwed Team Edward. She only got the kiss right in Twilight, even their dinner scene was awkward with that stupid “cat” line. There were a lot of missed opportunities in Twilight. Weitz is on his shit with New Moon.

        Fortunately I am Team Jacob and these stills are making my freakin’ day 🙂

      • Just like we love to blame stuff on Summit- let’s blame stuff on Harde too…

    • Krystle

      Good point about that GREAT line “I may not be human, but I am a man.” —which is one of my favorites!!!!! WTF Rosenberg?? That wasn’t even a deleted scene….she’s more prude than Stephenie.

      Yes – they better up the sexual tension between Bella/Edward as the series moves forward.

      I doubt New Moon is going to be a bunch of almost kisses between Bella and Jacob. They’re just showing these pics to hype up the fans because they know people like Moon & UC will be Breaking Down Vanity Fair Style. 😉

  • Holly

    Love, Love, Love, the pic and Love, Love, Love, you funny girls. I totally needed a laugh today and I knew exactly where to find my fix (and my sex drive). Damn, Taylor is hot.

    ‘Moon: DO THAT NOW. DO HIM. Edward left your ass. DO IT’…Hilarious

    In the real world, if we were faced with Bella’s choices wouldn’t we all have done Jacob just to pass a little of the miserable Edwardless time?

  • LMAO That is freaking hilarious. And Tay IS looking good. It’s making me not hate Jacob as much as when I read the book. Good recovery Taylor!

  • MariaCecilia

    I think it would be great if in the New Moon pic they didn’t just brood and hover like in this picture but ACTUALLY GOT IT ON! I think Jacob so deserves it after he put up with wet-rag Bella, and come on – you can see it, that is not half-dead Bella, that is horny, grumpy Bella trying hard to deny the hotness before her very eyes. Go for it girl!! Stop cringing!

    As you say, if they can deny us hot and bothered Edward, why not start changing the story around some more? She could have Jacob in New Moon, then change her mind and go back to Edward, and in Eclipse they could have a three-some before Bella finally gives in to Edward’s superior passion. That way we adults would have the theater all to ourselves, and could sputter popcorn all over the place at the juicy bits.
    Yay – David Slade, make my dreams come true!

    • achc


      I bow to you.

  • Jena

    “Kristin: I always have sex after I almost die.”


    “UC: They were getting their Gene Kelly on. Just singin’ & dancin’ in the rain. Then Bella slipped & fell, of course, so Jake had to rescue her. It was a poignant moment, hence the serious expressions on their faces.”


    “Moon: i like skinny nerdy boys
    Kristin: i like them lanky and dorky…and especially if they walk funny.
    Moon: like if one legs shorter than the rest
    Kristin: and can’t button their shirts correctly”

    I ♥ all ya’ll for this! (Did I just say “ya’ll”?)



    The next episode of Dateline is gonna be hilar! It’s gonna be like 500 hours long cause we’ll all be on it! Hell, we’ll just get Chris Hansen drunk and feed him cupcakes so he’ll drop charges! Taycob is hitting the hot-oh-sphere! I can’t deny it! But I will not cheat on the Robward! Plus I despise Jacob, so I refuse to go there, LOL!

    • DAMMIT Jena, I was gonna point out the:

      Kristin: I always have sex after I almost die.

      I about fell out of my chair. NICE!

      • Kristin

        May or may not be completely serious. So basically I”ve only had sex twice. LOL.

        KIDDING! …wait..why the hell am I explaining myself?!?

        • MariaCecilia

          Oh, I thought you were going all metaphorical on me here, I mean, like when in renaissance poetry the orgasm is called “the little death” and so on…like, “I always almost die when I have sex” is what you REALLY mean, right?

  • “Moon: i like skinny nerdy boys
    Kristin: i like them lanky and dorky…and especially if they walk funny.
    Moon: like if one legs shorter than the rest
    Kristin: and can’t button their shirts correctly”




    But all is..


  • Kristin

    I am pretty sure my favorite part is the LOLZ at the end. Seeing that come to life, well, its a beautiful thing.

    And as far as my little “confession” goes, I may or may not have changed my desktop background for a bit. Its not permanent, but I can’t help it. Its part of the mentor program I am instituting.

    UC this was so fun, thanks for asking me to be a part of it! XOXO!

    • HeyyyBrother

      agreed – I forgot to mention the lolz at the end. I’ve been a fan of those stupid things for so long… now I can add TwiLOLZ to the list of lolcats, etc… Great, as if I wasn’t nerdy enough already.

  • Stop talking about fan fiction! NOOO
    Purity ring Power, Stay PURE!

    PS Agree with Kristin the LOLZ is made of WIN!!

  • Pinky

    Moon: Quil and Claire- building a sandcastle behind them while Bella gets penetrated
    UC: look at you- pulling “Claire” out from nowhere! you win dorky fan of the day award!

    Never a good idea to read LTT with a full bladder. After an uncontrollable guffaw I had to haul ass down the hall before I further embarrassed myself. Thanks again, Ladies for making my work day so eventful.

  • kt

    goddammit. all this new moon promo stuff is making me question my team edward stance. thankfully i live in florida and georgia is very very close.

  • PG

    OMG I laughed so hard, you ladees are hysterical. I really needed it to as I’m fighting the withdrawal symptoms since Twitter crashed.

    LOL LOL LOL – I loled even more but am too lazy to type it up.

    However. I’m still calling Chris Henson on you. Shameful, lusting after a young boy like that (who, to be fair, was artificially inflated to resemble a 26 yr old guy but still)

  • MsKat

    All references to Quil & Claire are effing hilarious! I would pay good money to see an R rated New Moon/Eclipse/Breaking Dawn – and Bella’s a total idiot for not “taking solace” from Jacob, just sayin.

  • Okay, I freaking LOVE your LOLmacro. “well den hurryz up!”
    L M A O!!!!!!!

    I love the sturdy boys so Taylor is defs more my type than Rob, but as you guys know, everything I ever found hot/not hot Before Twilight (B.T.) has since gone out the window. Plus Rob is only 13 years younger, so I don’t feel creepy about admiring his hotness at all.

    As for Taylor, I am a bit weirded out that I can find anyone 19 years younger than me to be hot, regardless of sturdy build. But hey! LEGAL IN GEORGIA 🙂 Thank you, LTT, I can now sleep at night.

  • wende

    it looks like someone just gave birth to kristen

  • Jaybird

    Break it down girls, break it down! Love the post, love you girls!

    Really, where is his armpit?

  • K

    Wow, um, yeah. Great pic. I love that “legal in GA” phrases are completely n/a for me. Yes, for once you can be completely jealous of my 19 years 😛

    So… is the forest just the background they’re going to use for all of the New Moon images? It’s quite literally the exact same background, they just copy and paste different stuff onto it.

  • Tina cullen

    well he is in canada right now th legal age is 14 so go on girls ravish away while you can lol
    i also wasnt into him but now yum but if i had to choose oh what a wonderful thing that would be to hav to choose one i would like a test drive on both rob and taylor hehhehe

    • samalia

      really?? 14!?! I take back almost every demeaning/rude/hateful thing I’ve ever said aboot Canada!

      and really, Tay, come on. Let’s bang.

      • achc

        But… but… why would you say demeaning/rude/hateful things about Canada to being with?


        aboot! LOL

    • allryans


      *is shocked*

  • Jena

    I’m creating a new word…..”necktastic” because Taylor’s is delicious! Look at those musk-alls! If he were 21 or older I’d totally want to be wrapped in that!

  • Jena

    Quick someone photoshop Rob’s head on that bod so I’ll feel better! 🙂

  • samalia

    I bet each time a photo like this comes out Michael Oregano sings a little male version of “You Ought Know” and prays that she’s really thinking about him.

    Ooooh and Taylor, um, how do I put this, geez, okay here goes… I wanna be on you. Let’s bang.

  • “I always have sex after I almost die.”
    Perfection in a quote.

  • Jamie

    Too bad KStew didn’t actually drown.

    • tammyO

      lol..to bad you dont!

  • i know this has been said a million times but
    “I always have sex after I almost die.” – hilarious –
    and this…
    “look at you- pulling “Claire” out from nowhere! you win dorky fan of the day award!”
    and this
    ” DO THAT NOW. ”
    and pretty much everything else 🙂

  • Kary

    All I keep thinking is….”Poor Oregano”…
    Seriously, I was watching Sky High the other day and when he came on I started laughing, my sister asked me why are you laughing but she’s never seen Twilight (I know, blasphemy) so I couldn’t explained it to her. He’s so ugly and they got KStew with all this hot guys….he’s got to feel bad…

    As for the pic, I don’t know, I’m not feeling it. Now the second one, that should be the promo pic!

  • lapushbaby

    OK, this slayed me:

    “Moon: like if one legs shorter than the rest”

    ‘THE REST’? How many legs does he have? You ladies are funny when you are not even trying. And I love you for it.

    This break-down was so full of win. And I’m going to say that I think that the forest comes down pretty close to the beach up here in the PNW, so he could have carried her there for shelter and they would still be wet. OK, I have officially spent too much time thinking about that now!!


    • HeyyyBrother

      OK, I’ll bite and state the obvious: in saying “the rest,” I’m sure Moon was just hinting to his “third” or “middle” leg, if-you-know-what-i’m-sayin’. May have even been subconscious… Freudian slip, if you will.

      • lapushbaby

        Well, DUH. Gad, I am thick sometimes! 😉

        Thanks for helping me out there, HB. If your name is an AD ref, I heart you. Best. Show. Ever.

        • HeyyyBrother

          Oh no prob, my mind’s always in the gutter apparently, so these things come pretty easy to me? Embarrassing…

          And yes, my name IS an AD reference! Yay. I love finding fellow AD worshipers 🙂 Though I haven’t found many that worship Rob, AD and Twilight… so HI. You’re awesome.

  • calliope

    “UC: and then Claire yells “Big Brother Quil- what are they doing!?” and screams, running away.. crying. And Quil thinks “Someday.. you and I will too, my little Claire bear” Then we all get creeped out…cuz imprinting is weird”

    and there you have it. becuase, dear stephanie, you cannot deny the true nature of the teenaged boy. regardless of wether he is part wolf, or a vamp, or simply concerned about exactly what he wants to Push down in la push, they’ve all got sex on the brain. for shame on you steph for making them even more confused by their desire by throwing in that perverse desire to one day boink someone who is currently a toddler.


    i feel like, once jacob learned that Renesmee was on warp speed to becoming a teen he might have had a little extra swag in his step when he was around Quill being all like “yeah you all felt bad for me imprinting on a mutant half-vamp who just happened to be the result of intense, uterus-shattering love making between my sworn enemy and the girl i shoulda been doing all along, but man she’s on the fast track to teenaged horniness… and once she gets their i’m so gonna rub it in daddy eddies face that i’m bonin his baby girl…so you know take that. quill’s just gotta wait for claire to grow the eff up. have fun with your hand buddy.” then i bet jacob also had a little discussion with daddy c about what kind of growth-stunting horomones (you know the kind they give to the eastern european gymnysts) he could hook a wolfboy up with so that he and renessemee could bang it out unconspicuously for the rest of his life. ohhhhhh poor daddy eddie. betcha he’s shopping for vans with no windows as we speak.

    yep. i just wrote that.

    • lapushbaby

      Yeah, you really did write that, and god bless ya for it!

    • sassysmart

      Please do a Twi-Theatre about Jacob and Renesemee…or rather Quil and Jacob having this conversation.


    • yes…. calli.. twi theatre on this NOW

  • calliope

    also, regarding the actual picture. i feel like it was a blatant attempt to make jacob appear SOOO MUCH BIGGER than bella. REALITY CHECK… even if you make him bigger by photoshopping in the print stuff… when the film hits the big screen… we all know he’s standing on his tippy-toes.

    also, this completely justifies my thoughts that jacob was always copping a feel when bella was all out of it. i bet this is actually when she’s laying on the sofa in the house after near drowning and she wakes up to find him dry humping her in only his towel that’s slipping dangerously low… and that’s why she’s all confused.

  • Hermes

    My fav part of this dialogue:

    “UC: just a little lick from the mentor. Edward would love that neck vein”

    LMAO –
    sick sick sick.. but I love it!

    “I bet Edward would love that neck vein.. ”

    Envisioning a homoerotic scene of Edward biting Jacob’s neck. .. (as he shoves Bella outta the way, “Jacobs mine you hoe”). hee hee.

    Stephie Meyers would shit a brick.

  • Bobina

    For some really weird reason.. I have the song… “Can you feel the love tonight” from Lion King stuck in my head. Why?! I don’t know..
    Wait… YES I do…it’s to keep ‘Legal in Georgia’ (brill by the way) pure thoughts in my head. Yes, that’s it.. they are skipping through the forest.. holding hands… instead of getting it on, on the beach.. just after she almost dies.. being held in those strong.. muscular… broad shouldered… GAH… back to the song.. back to the song…

  • BG

    “Moon: like if one legs shorter than the rest”

    How many legs are they supposed to have?!

  • kjp

    Love it! You girls just made my day. The part about Claire was hilarious!!

  • lilcrazycow

    Co-workers are walking by my office wondering if I’m okay. The tears are rolling down my face as I’m laughting out loud! This is the funniest Break Down ever!! Gayfron was the best! Is there fanfic out there for HSM?? Thanks for the fun post!

  • Tasha

    Again ladies with the funny!!!! LOVE IT. Everyday I know I can have a laugh, giggle (or snort) reading your site. I know in RL we would be the bestest of friends.

    I <3 ya all.

    xxx ooo

  • Yazmine

    Gawwwd Lautner is cute

    Anyone else notice the bad lighting? Over half his body and neck is totally tanned like a black man. I could so run my tongue along that dodge tan line…….

    Thank god im 17 too. IT COULD HAPPEN

  • Wahhhhhhhhhhhh I’m getting crazy with this picture… Jacob is just so HOT…

  • omg lol that last part was sooooooo funny

  • Danielle

    Sometimes I love being 16 because I have absolutely no guilt staring at this picture of Taylor lol. And this whole thing is really funny I was laughing the whole time poor Caire! And I felt the same way in HSM I mean come on lol. Gayfron hilarious!

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