Everything I need to know about life I learned from New Moon
Dear LTT-ers and TwiHards,
Remember when we gathered together some of the lessons we had learned from Twilight last year? Well, it’s time we hit up New Moon since the film version is out and we’ve (sorta) reread it again (and again) and there are a slew of lessons to be learned that I wouldn’t have known otherwise…
- If your new best guy friend starts running around in the woods in just a pair of jean shorts and some sneakers, he will NOT catch a cold. He will run a temperature of 108 but don’t worry, this is normal. He may also turn into a werewolf.
- If a man with a pair of orange pants and hiking boots is directing the sequel to a movie adaptation of one of your favorite books: TRUST HIM. Perhaps with your life. He will NOT screw you over. And you just may find yourself drawn to orange pants and man purses (murses)
- I know you will be anxious when the lead actor in the first movie leaves for 2/3rds of the second movie but take a deep breath and let the underage boy taking his place worm his way into your heart. You will NOT miss the first boy and it will truly be “as if he never existed.”
- Mike Newton may have gained like 30ish something pounds but he still has some of the best lines and can act the HALE out of the flu!
- Just like in Twilight it is perfectly normal to expect your best friend to be the boy next door who suddenly morphs into a hit piece with a 12 pack, a penchant for fixing up broke down cars and motorcycles, and will love you more than your whiny ass deserves even when you can’t get over the hot vampire boyfriend who dumped you in the woods months ago and moved away.
- I learned that if you are depressed and you sit in a recliner for 3 months, you will not get bed sores, a flat “shelf ass” or muscle atrophy…seriously how did she do that?
Follow the cut to see what else we learned from New Moon
- To be a werewolf all you need is Native American blood, a pair of Jorts, some ratty shoes, a trip to Supercuts, a stomach that can simultaneously look like both 6pack abs and a beer gut at the same time. Oh and you need some sort of changeling genetic makeup that you have no control over
- Since apparently paper cuts bleed like a traumatic head wound, if you open birthday presents at your vampire boyfriends house, wear a pair of rubber kitchen gloves to avoid any of those pesky cuts. You may look silly but you’re saving everyone that awkward um-my-future-brother-in-law-just-tried-to-kill-me-and-drink-my-blood moment afterwards
- If you drive a Volvo SUV you are allowed to take up 2 spots in a school parking lot
- I learned that if you send someone an email and it gets returned, just keep sending them, its like your own therapy, it will make you feel better.
- Anytime your boyfriend approaches you he will appear to be walking in slow motion with a slight breeze blowing through his luscious locks whether in a parking lot or a school cafeteria. Because he is SO good looking all time suspends for him on a daily basis
- All monumental moments in a relationship should happen in a forest
- Men, pay attention, all a girl wants for her birthday is a kiss in front of her beater truck outside her dads house
Again, if just can’t be denied that New Moon really has the keys to living the good life. It’s too bad so many people write off Twilight and New Moon as crappy girly stuff, they really are missing out on tips for better living.
Off to work on fitting this spare tire into some orange pants!
PS Thanks to Carter for inspiration and Kristin for help and additional life lessons!
What life lessons did we miss? Add what you learned from New Moon in the comments and then head over to the forum for any daily chit chat!
Tags: , beer gut, best friend, birthday, boyfriend, Chris Weitz, fever, flu, Jorts, life lessons, Mike Newton, Native American, New Moon, orange pants, paper cut, relationships, Twilight, Vampire, Volvo, Werewolf