UC gets real about New Moon

Dear New Moon,

First, let me preface this by saying I love New Moon the movie even with it’s sometimes cheesiness, occasional flaws (the R&J book on the bed there one minute, gone the next) and Jacob calling Bella “loca” even though he doesn’t speak Spanish. I love it because I love the book- I love the story. Plus it’s so much better than Twilight, which I also loved despite its MAJOR cheesiness and introduction of characters who belong on COPS. However……I gotta get real. New Moon isn’t going to win any Oscars. Then again, no one should have that expectation, so I shouldn’t even need to mention it.  I guess what I’m saying is, I’m a fan. A big, ol’ fangirl who runs a blog about vampires. But I’m a normal girl too. I don’t really talk Twilight outside of my LTT-life & I don’t own one single Twilight T-shirt (which is kinda a travesty). And my favorite movie so far in 2009 is a Woody Allen film. It makes no sense how I could love both Woody Allen AND New Moon. It doesn’t. But… I do. And I make no apologizes.

Moon wrote a killer letter yesterday about the hits & misses in New Moon. And I just got back from MY 3rd viewing with a “Bite Me Edward” notepad filled of thoughts, confessions and…. lists. Yes, I counted how many times Chris Hansen would have arrested me were he watching my face or feeling my pulse race during those 122 minutes. But we’ll save the lists for another time. Right now, it’s time to get real- you gotta hear out my confessions:

What do you mean they ran out of $4.99 all you can eat steamed mussels on the buffet?

Rob: For most of his scenes, I don’t think Rob looks that hot. Sure, there are moments and when he’s on- he’s ON, but the rest of the time…meh. I’m not even saying this because of that under-aged guy. Or because he looks like death at the end.  Maybe it’s because he leaves Bella and I get pissed, or maybe it’s because he looks like he’s hitting the 4:30 pm early-bird special at the Shoneys after winning his shuffleboard match. I don’t know. I’m just confessing…

Sick: I get seasick twice in the movie. Literally- seasick. First when Carlisle stiches Bella up and we have to watch it. WTF!? Why!? Couldn’t we look at some family photos on the fall of Edward and Emmett in the 70s? And then I get sick when the camera is whirling around Bella as she lies on the floor of the forest. I get motion sickness really easily and the first time I saw that scene it took me until Volterra to stop the throw-up feeling.

(ohh ohh) "Oops." "Again?" "Sorry..."

Turned on: I get turned on during the hot kiss between Edward and Bella. You know the one. It’s the one where I forget Rob resembles my Uncle Ernie before he went off to war and get lost in the sounds of his arousal. (and forget they’re for another girl) Interestingly enough, the screen turned off for about 5 minutes in our theater but the sound kept going. It just so happened to be during that scene.  We were pissed. Until…… well… until we received a gift. You can get this gift too. Next time you see the movie, close your eyes during the kissing scene and just listen.  You will get to experience the sound of Rob’s sexual frustration and arousal, without having to look at the reason he is in such a state. It’s pure bliss (If, however, you end up with images of your 11th grade boyfriend making those same noises before saying, “Oops. Do you want me to take that dress to the dry cleaners for you?” we cannot be blamed. It’s easy to mistaken those sounds in a dark theater as 15 year old male premature ejaculation)

See what other awkward stuff I have to say about under-aged boys after the jump

Awkward: I understand some of the critics complaints about bad dialogue, bad acting and the slowness of the scenes. It was evident to me this time during the break-up scene. I love the break up scene and think Kristen did a great job, but it is a bit awkward. It doesn’t flow really well, and it often seems just like 2 people reciting lines. They recite them well– with emotion (or held-back emotion in the case of Grandpa Rob) but it doesn’t really flow like a conversation between two people.

Um.... why her again?

Bella’s a Bitch: I hate Bella when Edward walks towards her at school in the beginning, looking all cocky and hot and wanting her and not me. Literally, each time I’ve seen the movie I’ve muttered under my breath “Bitch” because I hate her so much. And, of course, by “Bella,” I mean Kristen Stewart. NotFairAtAll

The Wig: I like Jacob in his wig. I think he looks older. Not to say I don’t mind it when he cuts it off, but I think the wig is hot sometimes. Did you see him in the motorcycle scene? Sure he whips off his shirt and gets all cheeseball (which by the way, Stephenie wrote in the BOOK that he removes his shirt) but his wig looks GOOD while he does it.

The Score: I’m not crazy about the score. I like it towards the end, especially in Volterra and beyond, but when Paul phases for the first time in front of Bella? It literally sounds like the Star Wars theme. I sang along this time. And then pulled out my light saber that I keep for emergencies such as these and stood up in front of the audience and directed everyone in a sing-a-long. Afterward we held hands and sang “We are the Rob

Peacoat: I miss the peacoat. I don’t care that Rob hated the peacoat. The Peacoat was hot. And I miss it.

Would you like pepperoni on that? No? Can I sell you some knock-off Oakleys?

Rain: I think Jake looks like crap in the rain. His hair looks all greased and slick like that guy who flips the dough in the air at Guido’s pizzeria.

The shirt: Taycob looks the hottest after he phases for the first time and he walks into Emily’s house in that blue-gray shirt. And then he and Bella go walking on the beach. That shirt is Jacob’s equivalent to Robward’s gray t-shirt in Twilight. It’s the one you want to steal and sleep in because it’s so soft and smells like him, but you don’t want to take it from him because he looks so damn good in it. No I never had that fantasy of either one of them. I never fantasized that one night I might be wearing gray and next night be snuggled up in blue-gray. Never.

The Hallway: I miss the scene from the book when they are walking in the dark hallway to the vampire’s lair in Volterra BADLY. I have to re-read it to remember why I miss it so much, but I remember tension. I remember Bella thinking Edward would leave again. I remember Edward holding her tightly, pulling her close beside him, inhaling her scent. I remember falling in love with Edward all over again in that hallway. And I forget why. Because it’s not in the movie. And I miss it.

Twinners: I truly wish Bella was a twin. At the end, before wolf-Jacob breaks my heart with his little one-eyed tear, I want to jump onto the screen, grab a saw and split Bella in two. I love Edward. I will always be Team Edward because he was made for her, but Jacob is pretty great too. And I love Bella with Jacob the best. She’s better with him. She’s happier with him. So I think there really should be two Bellas. The Bella Black twin and the Bella Cullen twin. (the Bella Black twin doesn’t actually have to be dark-skinned….) Bella Black is happy and warm and spends her days being “loca” down by the beach raising little bronze-skinned boys and making muffins for her husband’s pals.  Bella Cullen is happy too because she has the love of the most gorgeous man on earth, except that he’s not really a man. But they have awesome non-human sex and he gets her pregnant and then- wait.. did I say this was happy Bella Cullen? And I’m making this story up? Okay then: Happy Bella Cullen gets it on all the time with her amazing in bed, gorgeous, non-human lover Edward Cullen. It’s Isle Esme 365 days a year, 3 times a day. Plus a lot of chocolate. And she never gets fat. And if I’m writing the story, then Rob loves me too.

The End

These are my confessions,

What confessions do you have?

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