There’s an (Twilight) app for that!

(Today Freya gets all tech-y on us and talks about her iphone and Twilight… there’s a post for that! xo, moon)

none of the above!

Dear Twilight:

I’m a total iPhone fangirl. I’ve had my 3GS for over a year now, and I am an app whore. I love the fact that iPhone advertises that “there’s an app for that.” Because it’s so true. And as we recently discovered (and UC discussed on Letters to Rob), there’s even an app for stalking Rob! So you can conveniently know where Rob is two days after he appears there. And so you can also get incensed and start your “Respect Rob” campaign afresh (or whip out your jazzhands and “Disrespect Rob Nice and Slow” with me).

Anywhoodle, it got me thinking about what kind of apps the rest of the Twilight cast might have, if they were so popular. What kind of things are being slaved over by the application developers of the world RIGHT NOW? Without further ado, here are some of my ideas. (If you decide to develop these, bitches, I want a cut!)

  • Justin Chon’s Disco Double Pack!
    In an excellent value for your money, the people behind Justin Chon, AKA “Gaysian Eric”, are offering two applications for the price of one, both marketed to the ladies. The first app is The Gaysiandar. Most women have to rely on their intuition to figure out if a guy is on her side of the fence, or on the other side. This app, which mysteriously uses the landscape and portrait orientation function to identify another kind of orientation, is to help those clueless girls out, and to save them the heartache of falling for just another fabulous face.
    The companion app is entitled “How to Hag”. For all you aspiring hags out there, you, too, can walk in the footsteps of Angela…ummm…anyone who wants to have a gay boyfriend. Some tips include “don’t be too attractive; if you are, cover it with nerdish glasses” and “be slightly taller than your gay boyfriend, so if you’re ever tempted to kiss him, it will be extremely awkward.” Words to live by, ladies.

    There's an app for that

  • Kristen Stewart’s Bitchface!
    A photo editing app, this one will slap a mildly uncomfortable grimace or a wryly sardonic raised eyebrow on the faces of your family and friends. Imagine the hilarity of showing off your family reunion photos, with everyone from Aunt Gladys to cousin Earl to Granny Marie with matching bitchfaces! Or the fun of sending a sexy bitchface photo to your Stew-lovin’ boyfriend or husband! You can also buy bonus effects from the app store, such as “awkward feet” and “flipping the bird.” You can also buy the “Copstache” effect for an additional .99 cents. Fun for the whole family!
  • Kellan Lutz’s Protein Calculator and Modeling Tips
    How much protein is in a ziplock bag of hard-boiled eggs? Kellan Lutz knows! And now he’s bringing those secrets to you! Just type in the name of the food you’re going to eat and the calculator lets you know how much protein is in your meal! This app also offers tips on how to look your best at a photoshoot (“Take off your shirt, but not if you’re flabby,” “Oil up your muscles, maybe even with real crude oil,” “carry a manly prop, like an axe or a wrench” “use a sock”). Kellan’s voice offers encouraging phrases when you fall behind on protein consumption. Hear him say “You can do it!” “No, really dude, you can do it!” “For real, you’re awesome, and can do it!”
    (Side note: I think my gay boyfriend has already downloaded this app. But he uses the encouraging phrases for “recreational” use, if you know what I mean.)

    There's an app for this

  • Dress Me Up Taylor Lautner
    In the style of virtual paper dolls, you can dress Taylor up, or dress him down! With a plethora of black suits and skinny ties, he’s ready for a premiere, night on the town, a press junket, an awards show, or just a quiet night at home. Also included: track pants, basketball shorts, karate outfit, and a variety of pop and Disney stars for accessories.
  • Nikki Reed’s Does the Carpet Match the Drapes?
    Well, we all know the eyebrows didn’t match the hair. In this fun matching game, make Nikki’s sartorial selections for her! Match curly red with long straight blonde. Black and bald? Or bald and black? You make the call! Points for the most attractive coiffure, both north and south, will win you bragging rights with your friends!
  • Michael Sheen’s Intimidating Evil Laugh
    Much like the vuvuzela app, this app doesn’t do much. It just repeats Michael Sheen’s amazing New Moon laugh over and over again. Frighten pets, annoy your friends!
  • Xavier Samuel is Hot
    This app offers a daily photo of Xavier Samuel to remind us of his hotness. That’s all. Do you really need more?

    There's an app to remind you!

  • Solomon Trimble was in Twilight
    This app synchs with your calendar. Once a day, every day, at a randomly chosen time, an alert will pop up to remind you that once upon a time, Solomon Trimble was in Twilight. Seriously. He was an original Wolfpack member. And don’t you forget it!
  • Buttcrack Santa Sings the Blues
    Since he couldn’t get an album deal, Buttcrack Santa now does a podcast. Accompanied only by his lonely blues guitar, he sings his original tunes with such catchy names as Animal Attack!, Hot Girls Suck (Your Blood, Not Anything Good), and Don’t Rock the Boat (There are Vampires Inside).
  • Dakota Fanning Countdown Clock (AKA “The New Legal In Georgia”)
    Most Twi-related crap is marketed for the females; this one is for the gentlemen. As advertised, this app will count down until February 23, 2012. The Runaways was very confusing for some gentlemen, thanks to Dakota and Kristen and their kissing, so in case a reminder is needed, this app is here to help!

Be watching your App Store for these and other fabulous Twilight releases, coming soon! Remember: TWILIGHT: There’s an app for that!


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What app would Big Daddy have? How about David Slade? What kind of app do WE here at LTT/LTR need?

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Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

  • Can’t believe I like this shit

    LTR totally needs a RobPorn app. Any time I feel stressed or bored or … it would be nice to be able to pull up some RobPorn on my iPhone in 30 seconds or less! You guys can start with last week’s slide show…. yum:) That’s normal, right?

  • JodieO

    Can I get a Carlisle Cullen Ambiguous Accent App? Get a new unrecognizable accent every day!

    • Robsessedgirl

      I thought I was the only one who noticed that in Eclipse! When he said “someone’s creatin’ an arrrrrrrrmmmmmy” I was just thinking Fadah Cullen was getting too big for his britches.

      • JodieO

        I noticed it in New Moon when he was telling Beller about his yeahs and yeahs of practice.

        • snowwhitedrifted

          Yes, what ambiguous dialect changes “r’s” to “h’s”?

          • Well there may be other accents like that but I know that here in Maine Rs are commonly added and subtracted. For example, if you want to invite a lady named Anna to join you in your vehicle, you might say “Anner! Get in the cah!”

            It’s very charming.

    • TeamSeth

      “I don’t relish the thought of killing another creature. Even one as sadistic as James.”

    • MichaelSheenisaDILF

      Serious love for this. I think the Fach is still trying to figure out what a 300+ year old vampire should sound like. Because of course they wouldn’t just sound normal.

      • JodieO

        I’m not expert, but I’d imagine that after 100 years of living in America that he would just sound like an American.. the way he did in Twilight..

  • Big Daddy has a fastfood joint locator, obvi. And the next generation of iPhones will be able to detect an increased amount of filet-o-fish molecules in the air, and will automatically voice guide you to the source.

    • Oh, and David Slade has an app that produces a different ‘IN THE FUTURE’ quote every day. Hey, maybe some day it’ll say ‘IN THE FUTURE iPhones will be able to detect an increased concentration of filet-o-fish molecules in the air and provide spoken guidance towards the source.”

      Wiiii, I’m lame/funny (scratch at will)

    • “give me back my filot’o’fish! give me that fish! yuum!”

  • Love the Kellan’s Protein Calculator and Modeling Tips app!

  • Can’t believe I like this shit

    I’d also pay good money for some sort of physics app that will FINALLY explain the parking lot accident at Forks High. The van swung around AGAIN? I’d like a diagram, please. Did that make sense to anyone when they read the book? Really?

    • Seriously!

    • The Old One

      Yeah, Rob even mentions that in the Twilight commentary. If we can’t get an app, could you make a diagram for us, please, Stephenie?

      • Can’t believe I like this shit

        Rob and I have SO much in common. Now I have a handy topic to discuss if we should ever meet. We can draw diagrams together 🙂

  • suzyb49

    Great post! Love the Michael Sheen laugh app. I pictured Aro’s outburst laugh in my head while reading and got my daily lol from LTT.

    • celestialchic

      Yes! And I want him to say “Beller is alive and well! Wonnnnderful!” Or what ever the quote is . . . as long as he says “beller”.

      • drsaka

        Beller is best.

  • drsaka

    Freya, very funny! We need these! please contact a developer and get working on these!!!!

  • Bea

    Hmm, I have a friend who builds apps, I should get him going on these… wait, no, that would involve openning the Twi-closet door too wide.

  • How about an app that whenever you talk about twilight to your husband/boyfriend it makes it sound to him like your talking about sports/cars/video games. And vice-versa! Then, free flowing conversation about twilight and everyone is happy! 😉

    • Sj


    • Michelle

      I would SO buy this. I don’t even own an IPhone…but…it should have “hunting” yammer included.

    • TeamSeth

      Brilliant! Something like “I’m so excited that Eclipse Star Craft 2 is finally out!”

  • “Does the carpet match the drapes?”
    Frey, I love you for this. So much.

    • The Old One

      Genius! Couldn’t we get a little visual example, though? I guess not, too NC-17.

  • Just me

    Cora’s Cobbler Locator App
    Type in your zip code and this app will locate the closest diner for a nice slice of pie, crisp or cobbler. Upgrade to the premium app to have Cora read the GPS directions to you. On arrival at the diner Cora will say “don’t you remember? it’s your favorite”

    Make a Kitty Meow App
    For just 99c this app brings up a cute little kitty on your screen, choose from Siamese or Tom Cat. Remember to feed and pet your kitty and if after 7 days your virtual pet is still alive, Whalen will sing you a song that you can download as your ringtone

    What would Steph do?
    If it wasn’t for Stephenie and the sparkling teen angst of Twilight then none of us would be here now. Use this app in virtually any situation to hear quotes read by from the Queen of all Twilight herself
    – Getting a pedicure and wavering over which polish to pick? “Purple’s cool.” says Steph.
    – Feeling down after a crappy date? “What a marshmallow!” says Steph
    – Out for a couple of beers and you’re thinking you should go home as you have work tomorrow? “Now that you’re going to hell, you may as well do it thoroughly.” says Steph.
    – On an epic business trip and confused about which country you’re in today? “I’m Switzerland.” says Steph
    – At the beach and getting bitten by mosquitoes? “You’re awfully small to be so hugely irritating.” says Steph
    – Someone else grabs the last pair of gorgeous shoes on sale in your size? “Idiot! Lunatic! Moron! Jackass! Selfish irresponsible fool!” says Steph

    • bahaha that comment is so much win!
      Twi-nerds, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that last quote said (or rather thought) by Rosalie to Edward? I always thought there was an underlying sexual tension between the two..I mean the two most beautiful members of the family? Yeah right…or maybe fanfic is ruining my brain…

    • bahaha that comment is so much win!
      Twi-nerds, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that last quote said (or rather thought) by Rosalie to Edward? I always thought there was an underlying sexual tension between the two..I mean the two most beautiful members of the coven? Yeah right…or maybe fanfic is ruining my brain…

      • #comment fail. Sorry, didn’t realise I was posting this twice. I just thought the word ‘family’ sounded too weird so I had to change it into coven…

      • The Old One

        I’ve just been re-reading Midnight Sun (yeah, that’s right, that pathetic mess) and there’s that whole scene where Edward realizes Rosalie’s problem is jealousy. Not that she likes him so much, she’s upset that he finds a mousy little human more appealing than her. Or is there more to it??

        • TeamSeth

          Holy crow! I can’t believe you admitted you were reading that! Thank goodness it’s not finished. I hope it never is.

          • The Old One

            Me neither. I absolutely love how it ends abruptly just before the meadow scene. I read it over and over just to get that glorious moment of finality!

          • TeamSeth

            It’s more knicker blocker than fade-to-black.

          • TeamJacobEdward

            Hehehe! Knicker blocker.

    • TeamSeth

      This is so much win. You’re so hardcore!

  • How come Taylor’s app doesn’t have korts or jorts?

    • Sj

      He does! I just got back from creating White Cowboy Gay Taylor’ complete with white jorts. I now have a new addiction. Bye.

      • Sj

        Now I have shirtless pirate Taylor….I feel like Beller caught between 2 totally good choices.

        • eatmyjorts

          I want a wolfpack app where you can choose which one to rile up, then watch them fursplode, phase back nekkid , bend over & pull on a pair of jorts, all in slow-mo. * just off to wash my mind out before work*

          • eatmyjorts

            Except Seth, obvs, as I’m no pupophile. And Leah, cos the ladies aren’t my bag, baby.

          • snowwhitedrifted

            “pupophile” lmao. perfect!

          • hahaha, this reminds me. Since I’m a perv, I noticed this. In Eclipse, after Jacob’s injured during the battle, is he nekkid when he phases back? Or am I the only one who paid attention enough and saw a pair of korts on him? That’s a bit unrealistic isn’t it? Since Jacob clearly stated in BD that when they phase back to human form, they’re all fully naked. That’s why, during one of the scenes in BD, he phases back and asked Leah to not look at his way…

          • snowwhitedrifted

            Yup, he’s nekkid in that scene (thanks for pointing that out to me Stacey). Taycob has now joined “the brotherhood of the sock”

          • TeamSeth

            pupophile ftw! And I agree. I might be TeamSeth, but not team BooBoo (ew!)

  • kristen’s bestie

    Hahaha! I actually would like to have Michael Sheen’s evil laugh as a ringtone, followed with the “Beller is alive”! But, then I would be out of the Twi closet. Speaking of that, I was with a friend the other day and her phone rang and I recognized her ringtone as being Bella’s Lullaby song! Maybe I could get my very own Twi ringtone and Michael’s evil laugh would be way cooler.

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  • chochang

    i was hoping for a Kellan Lutz Accountability Partners app. something with random KellanPorn pics that would say “how we doin’ baby?”. cause, really, i’d need lots of motivation to complete that harrowing 40-day “spiritual” journey. and also, i think Rick Warren would approve.

  • OMFG. I’m DYING here. Love you Freya!!

  • Janetrigs

    You went there. I love that you did. Love you always.

  • raven

    They actually have virtual Taylor and Rob dolls that you can dress up on Stardoll. My daughter was playing with them one day and I was torn between being impressed with their likenesses’ and completely skeeved with myself because I recognized Rob’s wardrobe.

    Okay I admit, I might have played with them once. I also might have made a (much hotter) version of myself to hang out with Rob (virtual bearskin rug, not included).

    • eatmyjorts

      I’d have to be almost 30 years younger for playing with Taylor to sit well with my conscience.

  • veddersgirl

    Going now to DL that Xavier Samuel is Hot!
    Thanks Frey Frey! You rock my socks off!

  • Twi Mom (not like on “O”)

    This whole post is FTW.

    I am thinking maybe another one mainly for the guys.

    Why men should watch Twilight App: It will bring up a new pic of Ashley every day and is great for those wives who want there husband to “get it” (TWSS), I mean the whole Twilight thing or at least sit through them with out being pains. As an add on you could pay an additional $.99 and get hot pics of all the chicks not just Ashley.

    • The Old One

      They might also appreciate downloads of the yellow Porsche, the wolves slo-mo attack on the stupid sparkly vampires, or Charlie sucking down Vitamin R whilst cleaning his shotgun, but mostly they would download Anna Kendrick adjusting her top when the gals are trying on prom dresses. Yeah, that’s about it for what guys like from all 3 Twilight movies.

      • TeamSeth

        There really is nothing like a cop drinking cheap beer and cleaning his gun on the kitchen table.

        You forgot the scene where Anna Kendrick is sunning herself on the picnic table.

  • dizzyladybug

    Now this would be a good reason to retire my own jitterbug phone and get myself an IPhone…

    Although they cost a gazillion here…I could justify the expense if it came with Rob and Xavier’s pictures and Aro’s laughter!

    And a totally need to work on my bitchface for all those hours commuting on the train and subway… (Never underestimate the power of the bitchface people, it keeps most of the creeps away!)

  • There should also be a Blame Summit app or a Kellen accountability partner app that you can bring up when you are making a questionable decision kinda like a magic 8 ball you know.

    • It could be like the staples “easy” button, except it says “Blame Summit”!!! And you press it whenever something crappy happens!

      Pulled over for speeding? “Blame Summit”

      Little kid sneezed on you? “Blame Summit”


  • Robsessedgirl

    Hmm, let me take a crack at it:

    -If you love Aro, then you’ll love the Beller app! It just repeats “Beller is alive after all” again and again.

    -Random Robporn picture of the day. Self-explanatory.

    -Undress Rob-again, ya know…….

    Design your own Breaking Dawn Part 1&2 birth and sex(before and after Bella is changed)

    -Decide what the hale accent Carlisle had in Eclipse app.

    -Feed Kstew app! Girl needs to eat!

    -Undress Jackson Rathbone.

    • Can’t believe I like this shit

      “-Feed Kstew app! Girl needs to eat!”

      Yup, gotta get that protein!

      • Robsessedgirl

        gotta git that protein in thurrrr. mike newton is annoying.

  • wtf?

    “Gaysian” Eric? Really? How racist can you be? Sorry i thought this was a Twi fansite, obviously i was wrong. It’s more like a site for defaming the twicast isn’t it?

    • yes. that’s our sole purpose

      (i’m also confused how that’s racist. he’s gay & Asian)

      • JodieO

        I think you’re racist against white people because you are always making fun of Kristen’s bitchface and Nikki Reed’s eyebrows.

        Also, you’re anti-Christian. Stop making fun of Kellan.

        • I also HATE people from Maine

          • JodieO

            I know! That’s why I stick around here. Just to fan the fires. Whatcha gonna do about it? Huh? huh? HUH?

            Neener neener neener!

            LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!!!


          • TeamSeth

            JodieO, why are you hating on BooBoo?!

        • Alice_NaA

          I’m pretty sure she also made fun of Billy black at one point in time. It’s like the only thing she knows is hate hate hate. And we all HATE that here on LTT, especially Jane Triggs.

      • Can’t believe I like this shit

        I also think you discriminate against the obese, considering how many jokes have been made at the expense of poor Mike Newton and the 30 pounds his face gained between Twilight and Eclipse.

        • TeamSeth

          Whatever happened to his own advice… gotta get that protein in there!

      • TeamSeth

        I think it’s racist because he’s technically Gayrean. Though he was born here, so really it’s more nationalist than anything. You’re such a fascist, UC.

      • Robsessedgirl

        Has it been confirmed that he’s gay? I always wondered but didn’t know if he ever admitted it.

        • TeamSeth

          Hold on, let me check my Justin Chon app…

          • Perfect!! Can’t stop laughing!

          • LoveSpelledBackwards


    • Alice_NaA

      Um, that’s lame.

    • snowwhitedrifted

      Hey Justin, it’s OK. Prop 8 has been overturned. It’s fine to realize your gaysian-ness in public.

    • TeamSeth

      wtf? you’re back!

      • kristen’s bestie

        Yes! Yes! Yes! my thoughts exactly! WTF is back! *off to LTR to see if ItsReallyRob came back today too*

        • TeamSeth

          his/her name gives me so much amusement.

    • TeamJacobEdward

      Oh joy, “wtf?” is back.

      This IS a fan site. We honestly love Twilight beyond all rational reasoning. We just love it with comedy and sarcasm. If you don’t get it no one is making you come here.

      Edward says, “I don’t want you to come.”

      • TeamSeth

        “Oh joy, “wtf?” is back.”

        HAHAHA! Love it.

    • Freya

      WTF INDEED? Who wrote this drivel?!?! I’d like to lodge a formal complaint!!!




  • Michelle

    Late commenting…but LOVED this post. TY TY TY.

    Off to commandeer my first LTT…so many things bubbling in my brain I just have to.

  • LegHitch

    What about a rate your partners leghitch ability… You’d know what you were getting into.

  • Alice_NaA

    I love that you thought of our dearest Solomon. I’m still hoping he would make an appearance at the wedding in BD. Let’s pray there’s enough budget!!!

    I’d also like the jessica application, to immediately photoshop noses and boobs.

    • TeamSeth

      True, just his cameo would up the film budget a million.

    • The Old One

      I do hope he makes an appearance in BD. Did you read that thing about Fifty Cent making a cameo appearance, too? Why don’t they just go ahead and let anyone who wants to be an extra at the wedding or the confrontation with the Volturi scene, sign up. Before CGI, Hollywood used to have “the cast of thousands” when they needed hordes of people. I say let’s bring that back, let EVERYONE be in the movie! All those fangirls that hang out at Rob’s film sets can duck under the yellow tape and participate!

      • Robsessedgirl

        Hahaha can you even imagine?
        “come on girls, places. & no Rob and Jackson raping like yesterday.”

  • Stacey

    Oh my, I stop by for a quick second and somebody is all cranky pants about today’s letter. Jeez!

    I’ll just say it was a fantastic letter (& comments) and it gave me a great laugh! Okay back to vacation, before the husband finds me out.

  • BrookeLockart

    Dear Freya,
    Stop discriminating against blackberry users. GOSH, this is soooo like you!!

    Brills post!

  • snowwhitedrifted

    Freya, You are too funny!

    I’d like to add the “bad-wig-o-the-day” app. You get to virtually try on each of the character’s wigs and experience their magicness.

  • TeamSeth

    I love this. I hope the Solomon one is actually his big line, “The Cullens don’t come here.” and not just a pop up text reminder.

    The Aro one. I need this. The clip exists on youtube, but it’s just someone recording it during the film and giggling uncontrollably afterward. I don’t blame her. I suppose I could record it off my DVD and then make it my ring tone….part of the joy is his face and little clap while he does the laugh. Le sigh. I <3 you, Michael Sheen.

    Oh the joys of technology

    • MichaelSheenisaDILF

      The Sheen app should also say “…it makes me thirsty”

      • TeamSeth

        and “Fascinating.”
        and “Such a waste…”
        and “If you’re unhappy with your lot, join us.”
        and “Goodbye, my young friends.”

        and, in anticipation of BD, “In truth, young Beller, immortality does become you most extraordinarily.”
        and I can’t wait for these gems to come to screen:
        “So much to discuss. So much to decide.”
        “Oh well, we’re all together now! Isn’t it lovely!”

        Looks like Sheen really put in some reading effort to grab hold of the diction. Bravo!

  • eloise

    I have to have the laugh app (for droid of course) . My kids currently have an app that makes animal noises to harass unsuspecting sales associates in public. Imagine the fun they could have with this one!

  • natashadushi

    UC I love your comment, thnx for the hard LOLZ at 21.00 pm here while my childeren are sleeping.

  • MichaelSheenisaDILF

    There should be a game where you have to get the demon spawn out of Bella’s womb and a syringe of venom into her heart before she dies. Kinda like “operation” with vampire teeth instead of surgical instruments. There would be a Jacob trying to block the venom and crazy Rosalie trying to steal the baby.

    • The Old One

      Love it!

    • TeamSeth

      So what happens if you touch the sides–Do you suddenly hear Dakota say, “Pain.” and your phone shocks you?

      • MichaelSheenisaDILF


  • eatmyjorts

    Can we please call all of these ‘Twapps’ ? For some reason that would make me happy.

    • kristen’s bestie

      LMAO! That sounds highly inappropriate! Which means I love it!

    • Twi Mom (not like on “O”)

      My mind is in the gutter, I read Twats!! I THINK I NEED HELP.

  • TeamJacobEdward

    Freya, OMG, I love you. I sooo want these apps! I can’t stop laughing.

    All sorts WIN!

  • celestialchic

    The letter is total win and the comments are even better! I love you strange but normal people.
    I want to become a secret pretend hater and say stupid/mean stuff everyday just for the fab replies – but i guess i won’t . . . really . . . i promise *crosses fingers behind back*

    • TeamSeth

      wtf? is that you?

  • Just have to say…I was having a crappy afternoon/evening (trying to finish sewing four flower girl dresses tonight in 1000000% humidity with a sewing machine that hates me) so I thought I’d check LTT for a little pick-me-up and IT WORKED! I feel SO MUCH more chipper now! Even though my three-year-old just dumped out an enormous bin of toys as I was typing this! And my two-year-old just got into a Sharpie! I’d better go before my five-year-old sets the house on fire!

    Thanks for the laugh lines, ladies.

  • theseviolentdelights

    I want an app that starts the day with a clip from Eclipse of Jasper in his army uniform riding his horse… in sloooow-motion. Oh, yeah….. 😀

    • Robsessedgirl

      OGMOGMOGMOGMGOMGOMG like wake me up with Jasper. YES PLEASE.

      • theseviolentdelights

        I’d also like to wake up BESIDE Jasper, but I guess a sexy slow-mo wake up video will have to do. 😉

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