Taylor gets a Trailer

Dear Taylor,

We were sent this story on the gossip site TMZ and just could not pass up commenting… I mean….. really?

Taylor Lautner’s Emotional Distress Over Trailer

Taylor Lautner claims he’s suffering from “emotional distress” and “annoyance” … because his RV trailer wasn’t delivered on time.

In a new lawsuit obtained by TMZ, Lautner claims he made a deal with McMahon’s RV to purchase a personal trailer for around $300,000 … a trailer he could use while shooting his new movie, “Abduction.”

According to the suit, the deal was that the trailer would be tricked out and delivered by no later than June 21 … but it wasn’t.

Lautner claims breach of contract and fraud and wants unspecified damages.

The only thing that felt appropriate to do was…. well, role play that conversation between you and your lawyer, of course:

Ring ring ring
Secretary: Hello offices of Jocoby and Meyers
Taylor: I need Jacoby pronto. Don’t put me on hold- I need him now- it’s an emergency
Secretary– Okay, Mr. Lautner, I’ll get Mr Jacoby for you. One second- he’s on the line with a Mike Welch who’s suing weight watcher (in the distance) Mr. Jacoby? it’s Taylor Lautner. Something bad must’ve happened. perhaps Chris Hansen finally had his way with him or maybe he was bitten by a wolf

paper your walls with THIS

Mr. Jacoby: Hello Taylor, how are you this fine day?
Taylor: Mr. Jacoby I need to file a suit
Mr. Jacoby: Ok Taylor, whats going on? Another rancid meat patty?
Taylor: No no, against 1800-Mobile-Home. I’m being Screwed. I’m being PLAYED. I ordered a tricked out trailer- you know- 30″ rims with five foot lifts and a cool, purple color and papered with Taylor Swift & selena Gomez wall paper
Mr. Jacoby: Mobile Home? Taylor you’re a movie star what are you doing buying manufactured homes?
Mr. Jacoby: And they make Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez wallpaper?
Taylor: Yes- children are specially printing it in a factory in China for me. It even has a bow flex 3000 in the living room. Dude, they don’t even sell the 3000 to civilians! But they made an exception after I sent them pictures of me from New Moon and Eclipse
Taylor: And don’t knock the mobile home till you’ve tried it- you don’t know what kind of conditions they expect me to live in while on set…. they use standard-issue WHITE small TRAILERS. no one would call them a home- even hurricane survivors would reject them from FEMA
Taylor: This trailer has a special fridge with a meat patty, sweet potato and protein powder dispenser- a walk in closet that can hold all 57 of my gray suits PLUS Big Daddy’s suit and polo shirt and all 920,000 of my leather jackets.
Mr. Jacoby: Well Taylor I’m sure Hurricane survivors would love even a Fema trailer or your standard issue Star Wagon but it sounds like you’ve got a case on your hands.

Mr. Jacoby: So Taylor what went wrong with the trailer? No meat patty holder? Can you not fit all the leather jackets in the closet
Taylor: You think I have a case? I’m also hoping to get some extra for emotional… what do you call it depress? duress? Distress? I mean.. I’m ANNOYED. THEY DID NOT DELIVER BY JUNE 21st as promised! It would be one thing if they’d accidentally misspell BIG PIMPING on the side with TWO M’s or something- I’d eventually heal from that horror, but I don’t Even HAVE The Pimp-Mobile misspelled to be horrified about.
Mr. Jacoby: Where are you staying between takes? In the porta potties? Because that’s definitely duress, especially after taco day
Taylor: NO Worse. I’m in a HOTEL in PITTSBURGH
Mr. Jacoby: ohhh Pittsburgh home of the Steelers eh?
Taylor: don’t REMIND ME. I’m supposed to be in a tricked out mobile home from McMahon’s RVs, but noooooooo
Mr. Jacoby: Maybe we can have them throw in some sideline tickets in the lawsuit
Taylor: They’ve beeched my contract
Mr. Jacoby: You mean Breached. What if they gave you a personal dance from the Steeler’s cheerleaders… or quarter back whatever you prefer?
Taylor: NO. They are FRAUDULENT. I want an unspecified amount of damages- I don’t know what that means, but I know that’s what all those rich celebrities ex wives get when they get divorced. I want to be like Elin Woods

Not even this will make him laugh

Mr. Jacoby: Ok Taylor maybe we should slow down… we can rent you something from Cruise America
Taylor: Explain this cruise america…..does it float? Can I take it on Lake Erie? I could work with that… there’s a duck pond behind the school where we’re filming next week…
Mr. Jacoby: Well I’m pretty sure we’d put McMahon’s RV out of business suing them for 75 billion dollars so how about we figure out a better undisclosed amount?
Taylor: 25 billion? I’m really distressed and also annoyed. If it showed up tomorrow, I wouldn’t even laugh at the picture of me & my dad on the side where my face is covered with a fish-o-filet sandwich.
Mr. Jacoby: How about a VW bus from the 70s with the camper top, a lifetime supply of Muscle Milk, a sponsorship from Yam Association of America and a new pair of those black oxfords from Payless you wear all the time? That seems like a fair amount to me’
Taylor: Can we paint “Big Pimping’ on the side? And get 35” rims?
Mr. Jacoby: Definitely. I’ll get the local hoodlums to bring over some spray paint. 35 or maybe 16in, ya know it’s an older model- VINTAGE Taylor, Vintage

Taylor: I just really wanted McMahon’s to suffer as much as I have this summer, sleeping my nights in the Steel city alone, without Taylor or Selena on my walls, in their glow-in the dark sequined skirts
Mr. Jacoby: Well what about we “leak” this lawsuit to the team taylor folks and accidentally leave the email address of the president of McMan RV’s, their phone number and their address in the documents. Hell hath no fury like a Twilight fan scorned
Taylor: Done. We could even get the Robsten Stalker people to photograph the inside of Mr McMan’s personal trailer……that’ll teach him
Mr. Jacoby: or a Team Jacob fan trying to compete with Team Edward fans
Taylor: you don’t f*ck with a wolf
Mr. Jacoby: No you don’t. Shit just got real real for McMahons. Lord have mercy on their souls and their email servers

Shit just got real,

Mr. Jacoby (played by MOon & occasionally UC) and Taylor Lautner (played by UC & occasionally Moon)

What do you think? Did the media blow this out of proportion? Or is this a sort-of protocol thing that they followed when Taylor’s trailer really wasn’t delivered? What do you think a “Tricked-out” Taylor-trailer looks like!?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

  • Ah, the decay of the young plastic Disney star has finally begun. Two more years, and he’ll be in rehab. Mark my words.

    • Stacey

      Kids these days.

    • JellyBeanRainbow

      Or happy and healthy scientology follower and jumping up and down about beeing BFF with Tom Cruise

      • eatmyjorts

        I thumbsdowned both of you! Not because I don’t love you…I just don’t love either of these outcomes for Taylor.

      • Ouch, very likely outcome, especially since they’ll be doing a father/son cop movie together.

    • snowwhitedrifted

      *coughs* gay porn *coughs*

      • TeamSeth

        Hot. (said in Emmett voice)

      • Hermes

        (Five years from now headline News).

        ” Gay porn star Taylor Lautner caught filming in his specially designed trailer….” news at 11

  • Sue G.

    Being a Cleveland girl…this cracked me up:
    Taylor: NO Worse. I’m in a HOTEL in PITTSBURGH

    Mr. Jacoby: You mean Breached. What if they gave you a personal dance from the Steeler’s cheerleaders… or quarter back whatever you prefer?

    Epic! Quarterback!

    • dreamingofforks

      Hello to a fellow Clevelander! Laughed my ass off at that line too!

  • Jamie

    The media blew this out of proportion.
    Here’s what I heard actually happened. Taylors new movie, Abduction, didn’t give him a trailer. They refused. So Taylor decided he might as well buy his own. He bought one from a company, and they said it would be there by a specific date. It wasn’t. He asked for his money back. They refused.
    Taylor decides to sue, which I think we all would at that point.
    His lawyer added emotional distress, which is lawyer talk for “you wasted my clients time”. Lawyers add that to most lawsuits.

    Great post, as usual!

  • JellyBeanRainbow

    Thanks again for explaining it to me, I read about it somewhere (and was too lazy and un-interested to Google some details)
    and for the world couldn’t understand why he would order a (MOVIE) trailer for himself

    “to purchase a personal trailer for around $300,000 … a trailer he could use while shooting his new movie”

    and now I get it, with photos and all ! thanks UC & Moon!

  • alice_av

    I’m not sure if he really know what he is doing, he is losing it..
    I agree with Bella_NaA give him 2 years: rehab or wrestling arena!

  • Stacey

    This post was excellent! Poor Taylor and Big Daddy! What is wrong with McMahon’s trailers? A boy needs his Selena and Taylor wallpaper! But this might be a good thing for him. Instead, he can take in the sites of Pittsburgh. Instead of playing playstation all day with Big Daddy. I went their for a drama club trip. Here’s some outdated options from my high school junior year vintage 1994. (note: all of these things probably changed:

    1. The laser Pink Floyd lightshow at the science center. Do you like Pink Floyd, Taylor? Me, not so much. I fell asleep. I heard it was good when I woke up. It is 2010, so maybe it’s the GaGa version.

    2. Dollywood! Well not the Dolly Parton version. That confused me. But this will help you avoid being squished in her special hug and how she will try to hook you up with Miley Cyrus.

    3. There was also a cable ride up a mountain. I forgot the actual name of it, because it was a very long time ago, lil Taylor.

    Honestly Taylor, Pittsburgh was fun! I had a great time with my friends. You don’t need that stupid old trailer anyway.

    • Bea

      Taylor being smooshed by Dolly Parton is my favorite mental image of the day.

      • eatmyjorts

        Just mentally lopping off Dolly’s head & replacing mine. I pretty much have that figure…without surgical intervention. If I went to Dollywood I’ve always thought they might give me sympathy ticket…

  • TeamJacobEdward

    So THAT is what happened with Taylor & Selina, and Taylor & Taylor. The girls found out what a prima donna Taycob was… That or the quarterback thing….

    PS- missed the huge news, well didn’t miss it but felt far too crappy to comment. (Down and out lots this last week. Stupid TBI.)

    Anyway, I’m so sad I won’t have posts all the time to keep me sane and make me smile no matter how terrible I feel. 🙁 How I felt about the news of my daily sanity being taken away could be best described by the master herself, SM; “The pain was bewildering” … “Reality was red, and it felt like I was being sawed in half, hit by a bus, punched by a prize fighter, trampled by bulls, and submerged in acid, all at the same time.” Yep, it was pretty close to that.

    That was just not cool. I already felt terrible and you kick me while I’m down. DON’T GET ME WRONG! I understand! I do! (What?! UC & Moon have lives outside of keeping usa entertained? No. Not possible.) I’m just sad. Very sad.

    • eatmyjorts

      It’s time to launch the LTT Support Group for you, me & Cyn. Circle time anyone?

      • TeamJacobEdward

        *lets out a sob of relief* Yes please! Thank you.

        Maybe we can write a letter about what the 12 step recovery system will look like…

        • eatmyjorts

          With Stephenie as our Higher Power?

          • TeamJacobEdward

            Hale yeah!

      • Midnight_Cyn

        @EMJ & TJE: Support group DEFINATELY NEEDED!! I am in!!
        Sorry TJE that your not feeling well 🙁 I am right with you on that one too..(I fell the other day and got a goose egg on the forehead the size of golf ball) and THEN THE NEWS HIT…YOU SAID IT BEST ““The pain was bewildering” … “Reality was red, and it felt like I was being sawed in half, hit by a bus, punched by a prize fighter, trampled by bulls, and submerged in acid, all at the same time.” Yep, it was pretty close to that”,,.talk about pushing us over the cliffs of la Push…right??? I have been reduced to emailing “Alice” in my distress b/c I think she saw this coming?….and then today I felt like Bella when she finds Alice in the house…the sun came out, the world stop spinning and suddenly I could breathe again…

        • The Old One

          Hi Cyn!
          When I read your “then the NEWS HIT” I read it as a typo for the “NEW SHIT” and I was all, like, yeah, this NEW SHIT isn’t so cool. Oh, wait.

        • TeamJacobEdwPushed off the La PPush cliff is right.

          Thanks Cyn!

          I’m just

        • TeamJacobEdward

          Thanks Cyn. I’m doing okay, really. Just when I get a string of bad days like that it really wears on me. I feel like such a baby when I think about how much more going through than me when I get frustrated. Plus I have to remind myself most people don’t live though breaking their neck and TBI like I did, much less able to walk, talk and have a high chance at full recovery.

          It was just that one thing on top of it all. Like, “no not LTT too!” 🙂 Pushed off La Push cliff pretty well explains it. lol

          Thanks for the get better thoughts. I’m sending them right back to you all the time.

    • TeamJacobEdward

      “us” entertained, not “usa” entertained

      • TeamSeth

        hehe, I thought that was cute (given all the non-usa readers who are obviously still ‘us’). It made me smile during such sad times on LTT.

        Big hugs! To you and Cyn and EMJ and all the other people that need them.

        • Midnight_Cyn

          ((Big Hugs)) back at you TS…Feeling like we need a “Team LTT”theme song, so we can all hold virtual hands and start singing to get us through this sad time…. 🙂

  • eatmyjorts

    Bwhahahahaha. They probably failed to deliver because all the secret spy-cams & microphones they fitted to make a million from photos & overheard conversations shorted out all the electrics & it burned to the ground. At least that’s what I’d like to think. I find it hard to believe any firm that was serious about good PR stiffing Taylor (eeeeeasy ladies…) for no good reason. Or maybe a Team Edward Wifey snuck into the factory & coverd it in a tonne of glitter & puffy paint hearts….

  • “You don’t f*ck with a wolf” New catch phrase? I think YES. Paired with the EW shot of dust flying after Tay lands from a standing backflip in tight leather jacket and boots. HELLS YEAH. *eyebrow wiggle*

    • eatmyjorts

      Can someone just gif & post that please?

    • There’s a Renesmmeee joke in that catchphrase I’m barely restraining myself from making right now … 😉

  • Alice_NaA

    It’s kinda sad that Big Daddy doesn’t look photoshopped into that first picture…

  • lindsaylee

    yesterday was so long without you guys, im going through withdrawl symptoms.

    This made up for it
    – Taylor: 25 billion? I’m really distressed and also annoyed. If it showed up tomorrow, I wouldn’t even laugh at the picture of me & my dad on the side where my face is covered with a fish-o-filet sandwich. –


  • Midnight_Cyn

    So..now that my world has righted itself I am going to take full advantage of the day…For what its worth, my opinion is that Taylor probably had nothing to do with the supposed lawsuit…(having personally spent the last 4 yrs feeling like a tennis ball being tossed back and forth btw lawyers who sole agenda (regardless of what they say) is to drag things out FOREVER so that they make money for themselves while you are forced to wait to receive the most basic of care)..Taylor I am sure has an entertainment lawyer who represents him and probably sits in wait for this or any opportunity to sue someone for anything. That is how they make their money. Especially at his age…he probably was fine with the trailer not arriving on time, but out of the woodwork pops the ever present lawyer shouting..”Breach of contract…we’ll sue”….I just don’t think he (Taylor) is at that stage “yet ” where he would initiate this…at least I hope not.
    Ahhhh…its so good to be here…. 🙂

    • The Old One

      I have a feeling you’re right about the lawyer stuff. Taylor is barely old enough to sign his own contracts, let alone initiate lawsuits. However I wouldn’t put it past Big Daddy to stir things up.

  • I’m not sure, but the whole thing about being emotionally distressed sounds more like something his lawyers came up with. This whole thing is pretty hilarious though! The media will blow up anything. It’s not a matter of who he is or what he’s done, it’s more a matter of he paid for something, they were supposed to deliver what he paid for, they didn’t, he sued them. A lot of people do this these days.

  • Edible Art ?

    And don’t forget the electrical socket – ya know cause Taylor is an andriod programmed by summit to behave like the perfect teen star he’ll need somewhere to charge up !!!

    Guys can totally understand why you wont be posting every day now – I don’t know how you managed it this long. Maybe I can get a life now too !!!

    • The Old One

      I visualize the Borg recharging stations from Star Trek.

      • TeamSeth

        Resistance is futile.

  • Jamie

    It’s really the buying of the trailer that keeps tripping me up. I’ve just never heard of actors buying their own trailers for on the set. I wonder if he has a rider where he requests only green m&m’s and swiss cheese without holes.

  • The Old One

    He should have thought twice about whether he wanted to be called Traylor Lautner from now on, before he filed that lawsuit.

    • same

      Total beverage snort, but too true!

    • snowwhitedrifted

      “Traylor Lautner” NICE!

    • eatmyjorts

      I thought someone somewhere would have christened this whole incident ‘Traylorgate’. You win so far.

    • TeamSeth

      Now I’m thankful I was too busy to get my coffee on time today… because otherwise it’d be everywhere.

    • Edible Art ?

      Awww I wish I’d thought of that !!

    • Edible Art ?

      I have “comment envy”

  • snowwhitedrifted

    So Taylor turns into Mariah. There’s only room for 1 true DIVA Tay Tay, get an Airstream.

    • Stacey

      Mariah has tricked out trailers for just her shoes! Wait… that’s where Taylor’s trailer went. (hee, Taylor’s Trailers. He can start a side business. That name just flows.)

  • Poor, poor Taycob. Whatever will he do? Where will he chug protein shakes whilst pumping iron whilst trying to convince the on set llama that he’s not of the same species? Where will Big Daddy keep his stash of filet o’ fish? Sad day for Mr. Llama.

  • If there is a God, Taylor’s trailer will have “Big Pimpin” spray-painted on the side. LOL you ladies are genius! Also, try saying “Taylor’s trailer” 12 times fast.

  • Bea

    I’m still stuck on the report from a few weeks ago about Big Daddy throwing down with a city supervisor who’s in a fight with the police department. That was fantastic.

  • Luludee

    As soon as I saw this headline in the Entertainment section of my MSN homepage yesterday, I KNEW today’s letter would be about it.

    When did he order said trailer? I mean, they’ve probably got lots to do to make it just perfect for him. These things take time!

    A team from Olive Garden had to be flown in to decorate the dining area of the trailer to look just like the restaurant. Gotta have that authentic Italian feel. Plus they had to install a bread-stick maker and stock the freezer full of freshly made-to-order entrees.

    I can see where the emotional distress of not having these things ready to go would come in to play. Poor Taylor.

  • Taylor DID go to a Steeler game…my brother saw him!! And, he went to a Pirate game, too. (My friend from high school was his personal security guard.) Although, going to a Pirate game doesn’t count for anything. They aren’t even really a professional team.

    But Tay should get my number and call me up. My older brother is a mechanic and knows alot of people who can hook him up with a sweet tricked out RV.

    Whoops! Chris Hansen just knocked on my door.
    (turns head to yell) “But Mr. Hansen! He’s 18!!!!!!!!!”

    • TeamSeth

      You are like 2 degrees separation from Tay now. Kevin Bacon has nothing on you.

      If you don’t complete this task, no one will.

  • hitc4manynewmoons

    OMGosh…Love the “conversation”…hysterical.

    UC…u crack me up daily and I am impressed because I never thought I’d get a laugh from a PHILLY person…JK (I am a Pittsburgh girl…PENS/STEELERS FAN ALL THE WAY!) Who knew Twilight would make me see the “light”! LOL

    • TeamSeth

      GO PENS!!!!!!!!

      • hitc4manynewmoons

        Glad to c a fellow PENS fan…thought I’d get some Philly backlash for that one! HA!

        I always saw Sidney Crosby’s face as Jacob for some odddddd reason! (prior to movie) My husband would tell me that crossing PENS and Twilight is blasphemy! LOL

        • TeamSeth

          Haha! Win! Perhaps blasphemy? Meh. Hooray for Staal. But Talbot and Cooke… oh heeeey

          • p.s., i’m super excited to find more pittsburgh girls on here. yayyy!!!!

  • Hermes

    I was waiting for you all to pick up on that one.. !! priceless just priceless!!! 🙂 Tay Tay will forever be in my mind as that “trailer trash” boy with the muscles that came out in that vampire movie. — ps — I like the idea of the “Twi stalkers” being given the green light. They’re batshite crazy as it is….

  • theseviolentdelights

    “One second- he’s on the line with a Mike Welch who’s suing weight watcher”
    I could totally see him on the phone crying “They told me to ‘stop dieting. start living.’..and well, I’ve been living and I gained 30 pounds to my face.

  • operarose

    You girls have so much class for avoiding a possible “if the trailer’s a rockin’…” joke in this dialogue.

    Seriously, a trailer? Emotional distress? I used to think actors worked hard, but if they’re freaking out over trailers and fame and such then I am starting to think they don’t have enough to do.

    I wonder if the settlement will include a matching trailer for Taylor’s pet alpaca.

  • pattmyrob

    what, no “Team Jacoby”? i thought for sure i’d see that somewhere…

  • claire’s mommy

    Speaking of his new movie….

    DYK it’s being filmed

  • claire’s mommy

    Speaking of his new movie….

    DYK it’s being filmed

  • claire’s mommy

    Speaking of his new movie…

    DYK for the last week it’s been being filmed THREE FREAKIN BLOCKS FROM MY HOUSE???!!!!!

    • eatmyjorts

      I, for one, am now expecting ‘Abs Updates’ from you on a bi-weekly basis. Get out your binoculars woman!

  • Janetrigs

    Greatest post EVER! Filet-o-fish Big Daddy, Lawsuits, TMZ and Chris Hansen reference. YEEEAHHH!!

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