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Breaking Dawn is trying to sell us something else

Dear Breaking Dawn Promo stuff,

Sometimes I get the feeling you are trying to sell me more than just the movie. Like when I look at the promo pictures it feels like there’s really an underlying message or brand I’m being sold. It’s as if the Summit Marketing team got together to come up with some ideas for “brand partnerships” to create “film and corporate synergy.” Yea, I’m pretty sure the word “synergy” was used a lot… So when I saw this latest batch of promo headshots from Breaking Dawn I knew I had to be onto something…

Poor dude who plays Caius, with every movie he loks progressively more and more like Fabio. They might as well just give him a tub of butter to hold while he’s sitting behind Aro in the Voltera, Italy scenes and help make some extra money with product placement.

Charley Bewley is like one faux hawk and guy liner fueled make up and hair session away from his own Ed Hardy ad campaign. Poor guy, it’s not like he wants a rhinestrone tiger havng sex with a Koi fish on his chest, give the guy a break folks.

Carlisle’s not just the president, he’s also a member!

Dude, Carlisle is already winning the race for worst wig in Breaking Dawn and we haven’t even seen the film yet. YIKES.

Sure, most of Kellan’s life has been spent looking like an outtake from International Male Catalogue but we don’t need the official promo shots reminding everyone! Though I’m pretty sure Emmett did some Internantional Male Modeling in the 80s, I don’t want to see his mesh shirt collection any times soon.

(For a good time google image search “International Male Catalogue”)

Why does Edward ALWAYS end up looking like an Insurance salesmen/Real Estate broker/Weatherman/Boringest Person In the World??? How is it possible to make Robert Pattinson look like the dad across the street? Stop trying so hard Wardrobe Dept! We know he’s 107 years old, we’re supposed to be tricking the dumb Forks, WA townspeople not making a neon sign pointing to this guy saying “This guy could be your great grandpa not your son’s classmate!”

Sorry Alice… Sorry Twimoms but COME ON! Though I feel this latest incarnation of Alice’s hair is probably closeted to how Stephenie describes it, it still looks like she should be loading up orange slices and Capri Suns into the mini van.

While Emmett was busy modeling for International Male in the 80s, Jasper deciding to make some extra dough moonlighting at the local Chippendale’s club. Doing that face the entire time. Just that face, some cuffs and a g string. All night long. Try not to laugh. When Chippendale’s went belly up because of a Bachlorette party done awry Jasper made the move to modeling heinous man jewelry for Hot Topic. They already have replica Bella saint bracelets, the wedding ring and Alice’s velvet choker (!!!) why not take the next step and offer the small male contingency who loves Twilight some Jasper jewelry? I know what I’m getting The Font and White Yorkie for Christmas! Terrible  jewelry!!!

Am I the only one who feels this way about some of these promo’s? Maybe I should be hired by Summit to oversee Brand Synergy! Clearly, I have a knack for what’s happening.

Off to Chipendales!

Why do they always look so crazy? Do you guys feel the same way?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

  • Cat

    psst… that’s not Caius, it’s Marcus….


      • Cat

        *bows* I will always take that as a compliment. 

  • Oh Moon, this was good times. I needed to read this today. While I think Alice looks hotter here than she has in the past, I agree- I’m getting more of a “cool mom that probably tells great sex jokes” vibe rather than “teenage girl who uber hip style”

    And Dude- I’m renting Jasper for your 30th birthday party. think he has a police costume and a boombox?

    • KStewBoy

      I have been to SuperCuts.  SuperCuts sucks.  Alice had her hair done by a real Summit professional to make her look this super-special Soccermomish.

    • as a cool twimom that tells great sex jokes AND had Alice’s former hair…
      Even I’d steer away from that do.

      C’mon Alice, you’re giving us short haired gals a bad name.

       You’ve turned me into a strawberry blond with a mom A-line bob.

  • Anonymous

    I like twilight.

  • Anonymous

    I’ve been trying to figure out what that picture of Alice is supposed to be, and you hit the nail on the head with the Supercuts ad.  Poor girl.

  • nocoolname

    That first picture of Jasper cracks me up.  It’s as of he made a jokey “whatchoo lookin’ at” face and they snapped the photo and for some bizarre reason decided to go with that one.  There is no understanding the People in Charge over at Summit.

  • Anonymous

    Speaking of product placement: LatersBaby made the best bloodfilled Sigg cup, but I was hoping for more of a “sippy” sort of thing. If Summit was smart, Hot Topic would be all about these things, that I got on Amazon for $6: https://twitpic.com/6w07w9

    Blood. Sippy. SUMMIT. Do I have to do everything around here?!

  • Anonymous

    I was at the mall yesterday and I happened into my local hot topic, looking for a poster to complete my collection. It turns out, they sell Breaking Dawn FLEECE THROWS. And those back pack things they give away at colleges. And still the pillowcases. I was too embarrassed to even ask where the posters are (even though the pics are so terrible, I probably wouldn’t have bought one).

    • Anonymous

      Way back in the Bad Old Days, when I first read all 4 books in like 48 hours and then scoured the internet for #normal people, I Got on some forum where people seemed good until some crackpot says (4 kids, 40 ish) “Ah just can’t sleep without mah Jacob pillow!” and there’s a picture of a Grown Woman’s Bedroom and it’s all fleece wolf throws and Jacob posters in frames.

      I wept, people. I despaired.

      Fleece. For reals who buys this shiz?

      • nocoolname

        Uh, I have one, with a big creepy Robward on it.  I believe I’ve mentioned it before – my sister bought it for me for Christmas two years ago purely for the joy it brought her to mock me.  I keep it hidden in a closet and only bring it out on particularly cold nights when my little boy needs an extra blanket.  That is until he protested because he didn’t like the man on it.  He called it scary.  I agreed.

        • Sisterpenguin

          Single fleece = normal (ironic, kitch etc).

          Multiple soft furnishings = As my dad would say, “A few kangaroos loose in the top paddock”

      • Anonymous

        Now that you mention, remember cyndi? She had her eddie blankie. But we know she’s normal!
        I also don’t understand the new color scheme. All that orange and purple (yes, purple’s cool) is going to clash with the black on black of the the last three posters.

        • Anonymous

          I can appreciate the weird fleece for the irony and hilarity value. A good friend bought Mr. Slut and I matching leopard print Snuggies(TM) to be funny, and you know what? Snuggies are fucking awesome to knit and watch movies in when its really really cold. I love my crazy Snuggie, but I am aware I look like a lunatic. It’s funny! What freaked me out is that this lady was all, “This Is Some High-Class, Totally Normal Thing Going On Here.”  No. No it’s not.

          • Anonymous

            Fun Fact: There is a book called The Snuggie Sutra.

            Oh the potential, when coupled with Twilight.

          • The Old One

            I almost pulled the trigger on a Snuggie purchase when I saw Weezer had their name on a line.

          • Anonymous

            they are seriously toasty. If you live in a cold climate, I do recommend.

            But they are ridiculous, so you have to go straight up crazy with them, and get the animal print or something. I think they have football team ones. Oh shit, look, you can customize them: http://www.customsnuggie.com/SnuggieStore/tabid/104/cid/2/Funny.aspx

            Team Blood Sippy Snuggies for Tent City! WOOT

  • Allryans

    Carlisle, and lets be honest – all the guys, look like someone Hannibal Lecter helped profile.

  • Tigerkitten36

    Alice as a “Twilightmom” made me laugh out loud.  I wonder if she also makes Team Jacob/Team Edward dipped strawberries and has a red carpet runway in her basement and poses with FSE’s?  Not that its a bad thing. ahem.

    I recently returned from a trip from Forks, WA and I didnt see anyone dressed like Edward does in these pics.  He would be sure to stick out running around town dressed like that.  He could probably get away with that in Port Angeles as there were many more opportunties for employment there.

    Where in the Book did it mention that Emmett was gay?  I dont remember that part? *running to gets book*

    Jasper must have had a few years in a boy band at one point.  Would he have been considered the “shy one” or the “bad boy”?

    Carlisle – There. are. no. words.  Peter is a handsome man, did the makeup people hate him?

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  • Sarah Souza

    HAHAHA this is hilarious! I love it! 5 stars :)Hey I am in a Vampire Musical. I play a role like Bella but her name is Veruca. Story line is like Twilight too! Check out my promo video and if you are in Colorado hit me up so I can set you up with some tickets! 🙂 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1g0xceqeKxM

  • Um yeah, Alice and Carlisle have the same haircuts.

  • Anonymous

    I can’t sleep. Or watch Snuggie infomercials since Mr. GWI is sleeping on the couch in the living room. Damn it even typing loud will wake him up. I’m screwed. 

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