Rating the New Moon Trailer
Introducing Moon & UC Grade something. It’s just like Breaking-it Down Vanity Fair Style, but just with us. Sometimes The Quad is busy & this is just easier. Today we grade the New Moon Trailer. Oh, you haven’t seen it? Clearly you’re not a real fan, but we’ll let it slide. Check it out then let us know if you agree with our grade scale:
UC & Moon
Here’s a fun game. See if you can count how many times we say “Dude”
Moon: Wanna break down the trailer, right now?
UC: Yes. This feels so forced. Like we scheduled sex. 6/1/09 9:00 pm SEX
Moon: Let me close the door (sounds like we’re doing something dirrrrty)
UC: dude i’m drunk. Okay I’m reading. i mean. i’m ready
Moon: one second let me enlarge this sucker
UC: that’s what she said
Edward & Bella
Moon: ok so he says “you’re my only reason to stay.. alive.. IF thats what i am”
UC: The husband just said “such predictable dialogue” Um, no commentary from you, thank you very much
Moon: it’s stephenie meyer- everything is predictable. So…what Edward says doesnt even make sense
UC: “you’re my only reason to stay alive..if that’s what i am.” What does that mean!?
UC: WHEN is that part?
Moon: It’s in the cullen house. Before the bday party?? Maybe after? Either way that line makes no sense, but he could speak pig latin and i’d listen
UC: “ihay ovelay youhay obray.” It’s kinda sexy.. the way she’s all up on his chest.. with her hand. I’m kinda turned on right now. DAMNIT 3rd glass of wine
Moon: he could be like “i farted cause i ate a bean buritto” and i’d be like WOW- profound
Moon: ok not really but ya know. It’s like when someone speaks a different langauge than you and it sounds hot even if they’re asking where the bathroom is. He’s working THAT
UC: He totally is. He’s working that sexy, drool-worthy voice that you know he doens’t have in real life. In between takes he was totally burping Kristen’s name
The Party (:31)
Moon: we need to break down the outfits
UC: first impression: House..l.. um YES… major win over the last house, which i loved
Moon: yea i LOVED the last house. I want to MARRY the last house
UC: House= win. so romantic. I so hope that the hubby does that exact thing for our annivesary celebration tonight.
Moon: the two houses don’t look like they go together
UC: i want to marry THIS house. They’re diff houses, but I love them both. This is an upgrade. Let’s discuss the coloring. It’s great. I wasn’t against the blue. I liked the blue. It was depressing, rainy. I thought it was nice, but the warm golden colors? I like
Moon: The blue color was dreary twilight, and I think the change to warn tones reflects the change to the wolves and earthy shiz like the quilutes. LOVE the new look
UC: Um Alice= my bff. She shoulda worn THAT Sunday night to MTV cuz it’s major win. Also notice NO showing of Nikki/Rosalie except for one bitch-face moment that I’m about to screen cap
Moon: No joke, Ash’s wig is better than her bouffant from last night
Moon: Rose looks hot for once and not like she fell out of a TJ Max sale rack like she did in Twilight.
UC: right. Ross Black Friday special
Moon: seriouisly lest we forget her ACID wash jeans
UC: she goes well with uncle jesse
UC: Esme? Uh, make me a vamp now and make her my mama
Moon: Esme will always be hot and timeless. NEED that dress
UC: WILL BUY that dress on ebay. For $7,000 if I have to. Will fight over any Twimom to get it.
UC: so far I’m in love with Chris Weitz. Can we discuss the manly sound we hear “Alice that cake could feed 50. you guys don’t even eat”
UC: It’s like Kristen said “damn, it’s 3am, i don’t give a F*ck… i’m gonna sound like it’s 3am. Or like I ate a frog.”
Moon: uh JASPER- aka: Mr Rogers cardigan and a poodle wig
UC: SO nasty! Seriously. Almost as bad as sweat fest 2009 at the khyber in philly
Moon: he’s all top heavy with that hair, makes him look like a pinhead. I’m so sad and underwhelmed. Sweatfest was better
The dramatic, small flesh wound (:43)
Moon: Jasper running is ridiculous! totes diff than how i imagined it but awesome
UC: poor piano
Moon: next time i get a papercut im going to fling whatever it is im holding in the air. totally dramatic “OW PAPERCUT!”
UC: Yes! Then throw someone on the piano! And ruin it. Even though it’s an antique from the 1800s that Bach played in the 1600. F*ck it. Who cares.
Moon: thats how you react to small flesh wounds
UC: Caust it’s a MUCH bigger deal than Bella getting her period
Moon: dude you can totally see the harness and wires on jasper/stunt double. It’s all rumbled and a big square thing on his back
UC: Rush job!
Moon: yes definite rush job
UC: Insert note from the Hubby “how many times do you think you’re gonna watch that clip? You probably should a bunch more. You don’t want to miss any foreshadowing or symbolism” (this is where I get my wonderful sarcasm)
See where Bella gets sad and Chris Hansen comes after us, after the jump
In the Woods (:57)
UC: Seriously… Kristen.. in the woods? equals Sophia Bush. I wanna hug her and ask if she’s healed from her 3 month marriage to Chad Michael Murray. And also ask how the freak their show is still on TV when The OC was canceled years ago
Moon: It’s like the bad break up- he can’t even look at her, he’s delivering the “its not you it’s me” speech to the forest floor
UC: she’s wearing TONS of make up in that field
Moon: I would run after him and attach myself to his leg. You don’t let Edward walk away
UC: no you hold on tight. You hump it if you have to. Silly little Bella
Moon: DUH. Obviously shes 18 and doesn’t know the ways of the world
UC: Leave it to us experienced woman
Moon: Throw yourself at him and don’t let go
UC: There isn’t a man in this world who has run away from me without getting his leg humped while trying
Moon: like if you ever saw Rob in real life, you grab something and HOLD ON
(thats what she said)
Moon: ok laurent??
UC: Eyes! So much better. And freaky
Moon: Dude! They totally let her hair look all shabby. He is SO toe up in this, like he’s been out in the woods too long
Moon: like TORE UP… it’s ghettttooo speak
UC: you’re so gangsta. like eminem. white gangsta. balls in ya faace
Moon: fo sho homie
UC: I have nothing more to say about Laurant. He dies and i don’t give a shizz
Moon: I want to wear his wig on my next jamaican vacay
UC: I want to buy pot from him on my next jamaican vacay. Dude, I was walking down the street in Philly, and I saw a rastafarian guy. I said to the hubby, “if i wanted pot…. could I ask him?”
Moon: totally Laurent!
UC: and he said.. “UC… you’re so judgemental” cuz he had a sign about Jesus
whoops. He was a Jesus-stafarian
Moon: Everyone knows that guy in their town!
UC: well, this one was saved. Probably off an old Carmen video
Chris Hansen? Is that you? (1:25)
Moon: Moving on. Let’s get arrested
UC: Okay, arrested time
Moon: I mean the drop-out-of-the-tree-move had EVERYONE screaming at my house on sunday
UC: and by ‘everyone’ you mean just you and our friend ‘his one and only?’
Moon: my HUGE PARTY of people flipped out. Jake looks like the nerd who left for summer vacay a wimp and came back in the fall all ripped
UC: I know! THAT guy
Moon: and you’re like “DUDE who’s the NEW KID??”
UC: I remember that guy. I held that guy’s hand on a fall field trip. It was sweaty. Sad
UC: I love the growling at the end. LOVE it. Reminds me of my kitty. He purrs like that
Moon: I’m still on the pedofile part. Him jumping over the railing is hot, and I said it and i don’t cxare
UC: so ripped. Hubby said he is clearly on roids
Moon: jump over MY railing
UC: do it. Jump over it, Taylor. Moon can handle you. She’s tall
UC: I <3 cats, and the wolf reminds me of a cat
Moon: Though from totally different animal familes
UC: i want to snuggle it
Moon: DUDE the wolf RULES, and this is SOOO a first version too
UC: it’ll get SO much better!
Moon: can you imagine the pack?! it’s gonna rule
UC: On dang! All that hottness. All those shirts off? Edward WHO?
Moon: Dude the clothes ripping off, the phasing. Again, Chris Weitz, I pledge me and rob’s unborn child to you: Christopher Moon Pattinson
UC: Again.. Chris Weitz? Marry me? Even though you kinda look likke an Oregon mountain man and that’s totally not my thang.
Moon: dude i so have a thing for chris weitz
UC: really? like in real life? Or in this fake virtual life where I call you Moon and we pretend to be fan girls (fine we pretend that we’re pretending but we’re really not) Moon: I don’t know what it is… the scarves, the jackets, the longish hair. the yelling of ACTION
UC: Always like a guy in charge of the action
UC: He seems great. Not at all annoyed by the paps. Takes the boys out for lunch-
buys them tuna melts and cokes. Doesn’t get into drama with his cast… not talking about how’s stickin’ who
Moon: doesn’t care or WANT TO know if anyones shacking up with anyone
UC: right. Dorky wolf is doing it with another wolf? who cares!
Moon: uh can november come quick enough?!
UC: Moon & UC grade the trailer:
Moon: A+ NO A
UC: Yeah, A
Moon: (no plus because of the poodle hair)
UC: A+ will be when the wolfpack arrives. Right. Fail on the poodle hair, and also on Edward not making sense.
Tags: , 100Monkeys, Alice Cullen, bella swan, Breaking it Down Vanity Fair Style, Buffont, Chad Michael Murray, Chris Hansen, Chris Weitz, Esme Cullen, grade something, Jackson Rathbone, jacob black, Jasper Cullen, Laurant, Movie Trailers, Mr. Rogers, New Moon, New Moon movie, new moon trailer, newmoon, One Tree Hill, Rosalie Hale, Ross, Sophia Bush, Taylor Lautner, The Khyber, TJ Maxx, Twilight, uc and moon grade something, Wolf, Wolfpack