How to Deflower A Twilight Virgin
We’re less than 2 weeks away from the release of New Moon. Are your plans set or are you like one of the many people who have emailed us saying they have NO Twi-lovin’ friends and therefore are attending the midnight showing alone? Unacceptable! We enlisted the help of LTT friend HeyyyBrother to instruct us HOW to take away the Twi-virginity of your friends and family. Follow her instructions and you’ll have someone to split a $7.00 diet coke in two Thursday nights!
Dear Twilight-Lovin’ Floozies,
(I mean that in the most complimentary way possible, promise…)
Between LTT/LTR, Twitter, and my overactive imagination, I spend so much time immersed in all things Twi that I sometimes forget that there are people out there who are still Twilight virgins. My very best friend was one of them. Even in the midst of early New Moon mania, she remained blissfully unaware of all things Twilight. The kind of unaware where you could say “Edward Cullen” to her and she’d ask if that was a friend or coworker. She had never even gotten to first base with Twilight.
She watched my downward spiral into addiction from afar, not really understanding what I was getting myself into. Thankfully she’s the most understanding and open-minded person I know, so when I finally revealed to her the depths of my obsession, she simply laughed and supported me, never judging me for being what could be considered the Twilight equivalent of a nymphomaniac… a Twilomaniac, if you will. Pretty amazing, right? It was then that I saw the potential in her; the potential to recruit her to the dark side. I dropped hints that she should read the books, but she’d never been much of a reader. I realized that was a lost cause and shifted gears to the movie. Better that than nothing, right?
It’s our job as seasoned Twilomaniac hussies to find new conquests, but there’s a lot of responsibility that goes along with being the person to take one’s Twilight v-card… It’s not something you should ever take lightly. In the event that any of you find yourself in a similar situation, I’ve compiled a list of helpful tips.
Are We Both Ready? Things to consider before it’s too late.
- Keep your obsession in check. Your friend will never be interested in getting intimate with Twilight if all you do is talk about Twilight. Your best bet is to mention it every now and then, just throwing a little teaser out there – something to let her know about the swooning she’s missing out on. Let her know that you feel strongly about the series, but it might be best to hide your extensive collection of Twi-porn that may or may not be limited to binders full of FanFic, Team Edward/Jacob/Switzerland garb, action figures, etc. Definitely hide your New Moon Advent Calendar and/or Countdown Chain made of construction paper. You don’t want to scare her off before you’ve even had the opportunity to pop it in. The DVD, I mean…
- Make sure it’s 100% consensual. The day my friend told me she was ready to watch Twilight was a joyous occasion. You don’t want to force this on them. If she’s not ready, she may very well end up hating the entire experience. No regrets!
- They should be of appropriate age. There’s some pretty mature content and material involved here. Don’t make me call Chris Hanson on you… I’ve already got him on speed dial since your borderline inappropriate crush on innocent little Taylor, coupled with your recent plans for a road trip to Georgia, have me more than a little concerned.
- Understand the risks. If everything goes well, your friend could be surrendering her life over to the obsession just like you did. She can say goodbye to her free time and her productivity at work. But if it doesn’t go well, your chance to recruit a new convert is over. Remember: there’s no going back.
Don’t forget protection (and more) after the jump!
Setting the Mood
- You’ll want to make sure there are no possible interruptions or distractions. A cold, rainy Saturday afternoon with nothing better to do? Roommates/family all gone? Perfect. You may even want to go so far as to shut off your cell phones. Nothing can kill your “I just want to try one thing” ladyboner quite like a text from your brother.
- This may not be the classiest suggestion but… Getting her liquored up couldn’t hurt. I’ve seen the movie 7 times, only twice sober. I would wholeheartedly recommend breaking open a bottle of wine. Each. But pace yourselves, you want to cherish this special moment, not spend it passed out on the bathroom floor.
- More adventurous souls may want to experiment by introducing food to spice things up. My recommendation? Cupcakes. It’s impossible to have a bad time when cupcakes are involved. Icing makes everything better.
- You’ll probably want to explain to her that there’s a very good chance the first time isn’t going to rock her world. It might be a little awkward. Painful, even. Sitting through 122 mins chock full of blinking and stuttering isn’t pleasurable for everyone, you know.
- Delivering a few warnings could be helpful. For example, you may want to explain that some of the dialogue and characters were the creation of Cougar & Co., and were not part of the books which “ZOMG!1! are so much better and you NEED to read them.” But avoid getting into too much gory detail about Buttcrack Santa and “spider monkey” – you don’t want to scare her off. There will be plenty of time to discuss the highs, lows, and areas for improvement afterward.
Doing the Deed
- Break out that wine, dim the lights, and get comfortable – it’s time to get down to business!
- Do your best not to giggle too much and resist the temptation to get too giddy or fangirl squee. Remember: if she doesn’t enjoy the same parts you do, it’s just because she’s inexperienced. WE know “ANIMAL ATTACK” is funny, but this is all new to her and she doesn’t know any better. Saying “how you likin’ da movie gurrrllll” will most definitely garner strange looks, so I would advise refraining from Mike-Newton-speak for now. You can laugh together at it another time once she’s more experienced.
- If she asks “that’s it?” afterward, don’t be offended. Practice makes perfect, right? Maybe she just needs to give it another shot. Or twelve.
If all goes well and they fall in love with all things Twi, then you may very well have found yourself a new Twi Life Partner. You can discuss the books at length, drool over Rob, hate on Kristen and her mullet, gush over DILF Chris Weitz and everything [it seems] he’s done right with New Moon, maybe even take your Pocket Edward’s on a pilgrimage to the Twi Mecca of Forks to act out scenes from the movie. Endless possibilities! Alternatively, if they enjoy it but don’t fall head over heels in love, or just don’t feel like putting in the effort to read thousands of pages of vampire tween romance, never fear: you still have someone who likes to get drunk and watch Twilight with you. Basically, you’ve got yourself a Twi Booty Call.
Note: if you’re lucky enough to have a unicorn on your hands (that’s what she said), the above tips do not apply. As we all know, men don’t need much in the way of buttering up. Your best bet is just to take control, get in there and get it over with (if-you-know-what-I’m-sayin’-and-I-think-you-do-because-this-whole-letter’s-been-chock-full-of-creepy-sexual-innuendos). The wine is still a good idea.
As for me and my friend, the big day was this past Saturday and it went well. I was nervous, but she enjoyed the movie (namely because it was so bad it was good). She even laughed at “ANIMAL ATTACK”! She may give the books a shot and definitely wants to see New Moon. In fact, just last night I got an IM from her after she spotted the trailer on TV that said: “The Native American kid is a WOLF! I KNEW IT. I mean… not that I care?” Oh, I think we have ourselves a keeper, ladies.
Who’s Twilight virginity have YOU taken!?
Tags: , Arrested Development fans, dry humping, edward cullen, fan letter, HeyyyBrother, LTT, Mike Newton, New Moon, New Moon the Movie, Nikki Reed, Renesmee, Taylor Lautner, Twilight, Twilight Virginity, twilight virgins, virginity, virgins