Twilight Virgins say the darndest things

107-year-old-virgin-lrgDear Twilight sluts,

I love virgins. I get such a big kick out of people who have just or are currently experiencing their ‘first time.’ The way they talk; the way they’re all starry-eyed; the way they’re not jaded by the experience but still have hope for the purity & innocence of it- I just can’t get enough. It’s probably because it’s hard to remember when I lost my virginity- it seems to long ago.

I’ve been blessed to hold many a friend’s hand through the experience of losing her virginity. Of course I’m talking about losing her Twilight virginity. What did you think I meant? I introduced you to my friends UrbanGirl, ItalianGirl, Tex & PreggersPants back on this post [go, it’s brill] and I really thought it was over. I thought everyone in my life I could convince to read the series had done so. Turns out, Netta my cousin decided to hop on board and give her flower to Edward Cullen himself.

I really do love the innocence of a first time Twilight reader.  They don’t know the things we know- they may not know that Midnight Sun exists & probably aren’t yet pissed off at Stephenie for not finishing it. They probably have only seen the movie once or twice & haven’t yet realized, “This movie really kinda blows apart from Robert Pattinson & Buttcrack Santa.” They think they’re alone- oblivious to the MILLIONS of affected women out there. They call their other virgin friends and admit sheepishly,”I think I’m in love with a vampire,” not realizing the number of women throughout the world exclaiming, “That’s Normal!” And my favorite: They still refer to the actors & characters by their full names instead of Nik, KStew, Jack, Ash, Rob, etc. I recently received this e-mail from my cousin Netta:

Don’t tell anyone, but my friend Gretchen had a dream about kissing Edward Cullen.

First of all, sorry Gretchen, I just let your secret slip. But don’t worry. It’s only on my little blog. Secondly, thanks, Netta, for clarifying that it’s Edward Cullen she’s interested in kissing. At first I thought you meant Edward Scissorhands.

I want to rekindle that fire you once had for the series. I know it’s dwindling- don’t try to deny it. You’re over seeing pictures of Rob on the Remember Me set. You’re counting down the days until New Moon (126) and you wish that Stephenie would just write another damn book already! Today I have a gift for you in the form of texts I’ve compiled from my friends & family. [I’ve of course left you some necessary UC thoughts in brackets] After the jump, Read, recall & reminisce your first time….

Wolfgirl: I HATE JACOB [UC thoughts: uh, take it back, hunny… Taylor isn’t going to like that…]

Netta: WHAT? She can picture their future together with kids?? NO way… if she leaves wonderful Edward so she can wear a damn feather in her hair I quit reading!! WTF?

WTF? I’m going into pilates now, but why is she making out with the wolf??? Sometimes I HATE HER

I can’t believe they almost did it and then he proposed! It just keeps getting.. BETTER!

Netta’s friend: I don’t want to keep reading because if she chooses Jake I’m going to burn Stephanie Meyers at the stake! But I have to keep reading because it’s like a drug to me. [UC thoughts: 92% sure she has no idea she wrote a Twilight reference here. Remember. Virgins. You don’t start remembering those quotes until your 3rd read, at least]

Netta: Gretchen & I are out at the bar and we are actually picking people out that could be vampires. Is that normal??? [UC thoughts: This is after I told her how we’ve coined the phrase “That’s Normal.” She keeps asking me if things are or aren’t normal. I assured her that when it comes to Twilight & Rob, she won’t reach levels of abnormality until she discovers puffy paint, iron on images & the sweatpants section at Wal-mart]

Netta’s eclipse recap: I just can’t BELIEVE she made out with Jacob and then shed tears over him!!!! GGGRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!  She has Edward, what the hell???  She should be happy!  I think he’s just a stupid younger boy and I hate that she is so hung up on him!  I would so much prefer the cold stone Edward because I’m always hot!

You keep talking about Isle Esme…that’s not til book 4, I saw the one chapter title…I really want to know, but I’ll just have to read!

Is Ms. Meyer going to be writing more books in the series or is Breaking Dawn the last one?  I heard a rumor that there’s sex in Breaking Dawn….I really really really hope so!  Their making out scenes get pretty hot…I love it!  Is that weird for me to say….I hope you say “that’s normal!” [UC thoughts: So many amazing things! She knows ‘Isle Esme’ exists but still isn’t sure there’s sex! She calls her Ms. Meyer! Netta, YES! Thinking their make-out scenes are hot is SO VERY NORMAL!]

I figured she had enough torture thinking it over after Breaking Dawn, so I told her about Midnight Sun

Netta: Oh, now I can’t WAIT to finish Breaking Dawn so I can read Edward’s perspective! I can love him more??? Really??? My husband  is already jealous that I spend most of my evenings with Edward! LOL! [That’s Normal]

Netta: broke the bed frame…really!? how I’d love for my bed frame to be broken.

Look! So cute. These virgins aren’t embarrassed to admit their Twilight love on their facebook walls yet:

Netta: You shouldn’t have bailed….we were out at a bar- vampire hunting!
: I felt bad on bailing, but I was running all day and just couldn’t bring myself to get ready to go out. Instead I had a hot date with Edward!
: Vampire hunting we were! we didn’t find any good prospects though. no one compares to edward.
: that is a fact. Edward is great. however, he’s mine [bitches better back off]


Netta: Just wait till you get to the Isle Esme chapter- oh Lord, I just want him for myself!
Netta’s Friend
: I will totally fight you for him. Man now you really got me wanting to just stay in with Edward. We had such a good date last Friday! [UC thoughts: Reminder: She’s talking about the book T-W-I-L-I-G-H-T and not F-A-N-F-I-C-T-I-O-N]

Netta’s Breaking Dawn recap: So – I finally finished Breaking Dawn last night…the series was SO good. I LOVED the end where Bella allowed Edward to see her mind…so romantic! And I’m so happy Alice came back…love her! I’m sad it’s over now! Is Midnight Sun ONLY on her website or can I buy or download a copy somewhere? I tried to locate it on my kindle but they didn’t have it. [UC thoughts: That’s Normal. We all frantically searched everywhere for it too. But our kindles couldn’t find it either. Um, hopefully I mentioned it’s only 12 chapters long…? If I forgot, oops…]

Aw! Virgins! They’re so cute! Wouldn’t you DIE to be one again!? As a little bonus, I saw Netta at a family get-together last night. She gave me this little gem.

Netta: Can you tell me what is going on with Robert Pattinson? [UC thoughts Who? Oh… you mean Robert Thomas Pattinson.. I didn’t realize.. I rarely refer to him without his full given name] I hear in his next movie he has full frontal nudity? Ew!
Me: laughing Ah yes! The Tuck!
Netta: His movie is called The Tuck?

Ah, to be a virgin again,

Spill it! What are your favorite things you’ve heard from virgins in your life?

Look at someone you wouldn’t mind giving your virginity to on LTR
Are you a forum virgin? We can remedy that. Head on over Right now & pop that cherrry!

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